I ended an affair out of guilt but now the man I dumped is telling everyone...

I ended an affair out of guilt but now the man I dumped is telling everyone... - I had a brief and much-regretted affair with a work colleague six months ago, which I ended. I am married with children, while he is single, so the implications for my marriage were horrendous and I swore him to secrecy.

He said he loved me, so I trusted him. I now find he’s told a workmate all about the entanglement, even though he doesn’t know this woman well.

I’m wondering how many people he’s blabbed to and how I can stop him from talking about it.

Vulnerable: A reader is concerned how far information about her much-regretted affair with a work colleague has spread (posed by a model)

Well, you certainly didn’t follow the advice in the Rough Guide To Infidelity, did you? Obviously the wisest course of action is not to have an affair at all. OK, I made that title up, but if such a book existed this is what it would advise you: keep love affairs out of the office and never have a fling with someone who has less to lose than you do.

Any workplace relationship can rebound on your professional life if it goes wrong, but none more so than an illicit affair where your standing can plummet faster than the Dow Jones on Black Monday. Many a lover believes there is honour among thieves and that their paramour would never spill the beans about their clinches. This is a far easier pact to maintain when an affair is ongoing and everything is rosy between the partners in crime.

Everything changes when the relationship ends — especially if one of those involved is ditched against their will. What you don’t seem to have factored in is that your lover’s feelings about the end of your tryst may be different to your own. You regret the entanglement and seem to have no emotion towards your former lover except for ire and regret for becoming involved.

He, on the other hand, told you that he loved you and it is possible that he harboured desires for the relationship to become more permanent. Then this man suffered the pain and humiliation of you ending it. Yet there is no way he can retreat to lick his wounds, because there you are every working day: a nine-to-five reminder of his heartache.

Most jilted lovers feel a bit crazy in the aftermath of separation, but your man is living under stressful circumstances. So I am not surprised he’s buckled under the strain and confessed all to a mutual colleague.

What you see as ‘blabbing’ and a betrayal seems more likely to be a suffering man seeking a talking cure. It’s hardly surprising he’s talked to someone who has some knowledge of you. And you’d be wise to assume she’s not the only one he’s talked to.

When people are in an emotional state they can become incontinent with the truth, confessing their affairs to the taxi driver, their hairdresser, the office receptionist and strangers on trains.

I feel sorry for you, having made yourself so vulnerable, but anyone who embarks on an illicit relationship should brace themselves for such consequences. Nor are those penalties just applicable to you — as you now see, it’s your family’s happiness that’s most at risk.

If the recent fiascos surrounding celebrities’ super-injunctions (supposedly imposed to cover up details of their sexual misdemeanours) tells you anything, it’s that you can’t silence your exes or the gossiping public. The pledges you make to your lover while in the throes of passion are so often discarded the second the relationship ends.

WORK AND PLAY

Seventy per cent of us have had an office romance while one in three has set up home with a colleague

The crux of the matter is that you feel your former lover owes you his silence, but you have to ask yourself if he owes you anything. You picked him up when it suited you, then dropped him like a hot potato when you realised how foolish you’d been. The more he feels used, the less circumspect he’ll be. If you now berate him, he’ll feel even more alienated.

What to do? The unpalatable news is that you need to support this man a little and give him reasons to remember why he loved you and may wish to grant you some loyalty.

I would sit him down and tell him gently that you’ve learned he’s talked about your love affair to a colleague. Don’t be angry; tell him that while you understand the likely reasons for his disclosures, you would be hugely appreciative if he did not repeat the story.

Maybe suggest that he converses with a friend outside the office instead, or even a therapist. Reassure him that you will always be there to talk to and that you understand how low he must feel at times.

There are no guarantees in this life, but if you display sympathy and goodwill, this man is more likely to respect your feelings. The old saying has it that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If that mantra’s true, then I would keep your former lovers closest of all. They’re the ones who can cause you the real damage. Just ask Ryan Giggs. ( dailymail.co.uk )

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