How to Text Your Way into His Heart

How to Text Your Way into His Heart - Texting is omnipresent these days. But what if you're still a newbie? Not to worry, here is everything you need to know about texting etiquette.

At this point we can safely say that everyone has jumped on the texting bandwagon. In the beginning you were skeptical and thought, "Oh it's just a trend like the beeper, it'll pass." You hated on our generation at first (no hard feelings) because you thought texting was taking away from human interaction and ruining our lives as we know it. Even as everyone around you started getting qwerty keyboards for easier texting, you stood your ground, preferred phone calls, and ignored SMS like the swine flu.

But look at you now. Today you stand white flag in hand, cell in the other, singing a different tune. You send over ten texts a day, pass on leaving voice mails, and have even accepted a date invite over text. If you're single, you've definitely sent a LNBT (Late Night Booty Text) a time or dozen -- not realizing there was a term for it. We're so glad you finally came around, and hope you're enjoying the endless benefits of easy, accessible and fast, communication 24/7.

Now that you've officially crossed over, we thought we'd give you some tips on proper etiquette for dating in a digital world. And while you're at it, don't forget your phone is also great for planning a date! Check out m.bing.com for all the best local restaurants, movies and reviews, jazz clubs and spas in your area.

Things the younger generation wants you to know about texting (quotes from Flirtexting's facebook page):

• "Don't flirtext anyone you're too shy to flirt with in person."
• "Pics are for experienced flirtexters. Stick to the words newbies!"
• "OMG means oh my g-d, not oh my geezers."
• "Don't write paragraphs, i.e. 10 messages at once. Keep it short and simple."
• "Learn the basic acronyms and text phrases like omg, btw, lol, fyi."
• "Don't text someone when you're upset."
• "It's called a tweet when you do it. The platform it lives on is Twitter."

Is it acceptable to ask someone out or agree to a date invite over text?

Today asking someone out over text has become the norm, so it's definitely OK to ask someone out or accept a date invite that way. In fact, a recent survey said that nearly one-sixth of 16-35 year olds will be asking their Valentine out this year via text or a call. Since we both started dating before the texting craze hit, we understand the significance of a phone call. However if we wanted to continue dating in our twenties, we had to learn to reframe our mind set about the informal nature in which a date invite might arrive. Had we not, we would have gone on lot less dates the past few years.

What's the deal with texting symbols and abbreviations? Is it just for younger kids?

Symbols and abbreviations are for all ages. They're convenient and fun to use when exchanged among friends and family, but using too many with a person you just started dating is a turn-off. We always tell people, "If you don't want a date, abbreviate." In the beginning stages of a relationship it's best to just spell everything out. Undrstud?

If I'm married and my ex, or someone who is interested in me sends a flirty message, how do I respond and is this considered cheating?

This is the most commonly asked question we receive. Any sort of playful message exchange with someone other than your significant other could be grounds for infidelitexting (just ask Tiger Woods), so it's best to tread lightly when it comes to this matter. If the person sending you the messages knows you're in a relationship, it's okay to ignore them/and their advances until it stops. That should get your message across. If they don't know you're in a relationship, try sending: "I'm flattered, but you're X years too late. I'm currently not in the market for a jealous husband/wife. Hope you understand."

Can I "thank" someone via text post-date or do I have to call them?

Yes, feel free to send a "thank you" text post-date (even if there were no sparks), as it is proper Flirtextiquette. The same way you used to call someone the day after a date to thank them for a great time, you are now able to do via text. The post-date courtesy text is a small gesture that reaffirms your appreciation for the date and their company. However if you had the best date ever (we're talking you lots three pounds from all the excitement), it's OK to call the next day to thank him for the great time. If your date felt the same way, he will appreciate the reassurance.

Is it OK to break up with someone over text?

No, it's never OK and will never be OK to break-up with someone over text. Even if your relationship started that way, it's insensitive and shows a lack of respect to break-up with someone over your handheld device.

If someone doesn't respond to my text, can I send it again?

If the text is to someone you are dating, then no, you may not resend your text again, because odds are they got it and just aren't responding. Might we remind you how many times you've used the excuse, "I lost my phone" or "sorry, I didn't have service," when really you just didn't want to respond.

What's the etiquette behind researching your date online?

Do it, just don't tell them you did it.

You've had a strictly texting relationship so far and are ready to take it to the next level with a phone call. What is the proper etiquette to get someone to call?

If you haven't spoken on the phone yet and are frustrated that he hasn't called, don't ever convey that emotion to him. If you do, you run the risk of turning him off by coming across desperate. Two things are happening if he hasn't called. He either doesn't care enough to call (sad but true) or he thinks you prefer to texting to calling (some guys actually think that). Let him know you want to talk on the phone, but in a way that puts no pressure on him. An easy way to do this is if you've been texting back and forth is to say, "Can't type anymore running to a meeting call me later." That's gets your message across clearly. Trust that if he was thinking about calling you, he definitely will now.

What's the rule for accepting friend requests on Facebook?

Accepting a friend request is like welcoming someone into your home. You're granting them access to personal photo albums, feelings (status updates), videos, etc. Therefore be selective who you let in the door. It's totally appropriate to friend someone you are dating, or about to go on a date with. Just be sure to set your relationship status to "no status," as it just makes life easier that way.

What is the etiquette when it comes to using multiple forms of communication at the same time with someone you are dating? (ex: Facebook, email, text, phone calls)

It's important to find a balance between the different ways in which we communicate digitally. Just because we can -- doesn't mean we need to. If you saturate the communication lines early on your love connection will burn out quicker than you can type "game over". It's OK to use them all in moderation. ( msn.com )


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Men and women agree that 10 ex-lovers is the ideal number

Men and women agree that 10 ex-lovers is the ideal number - You’ve slept with how many people? - Men and women agree that 10 ex-lovers is the ideal number, but should a lady or gentleman ever reveal how many partners they have had

It’s a crucial scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral, and for my money ranks with Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally. Hugh Grant’s character, looking like the uncomfortable, repressed Englishman he is, fidgets and squirms at a table in a café as the upfront American he’s fallen for, played by Andie MacDowell, merrily lists her previous lovers.

Then there was... Andie MacDowell lists her ex-lovers to Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral

There were various rolls in the hay (she was a country girl). One paramour had a hairy back. Another was a “shock”. There was a “disappointing” one and another, “who broke my heart”. Number 22 kept falling asleep (“that was my first year in England”). Number 27 was a mistake (“he kept screaming”); 28 was Spencer; 29, his father; 32 was lovely… and then there is the man she is about to marry.

That’s 33 lovers. “Not as many as Madonna,” she points out. But a great deal more than anyone should admit to – at least to a prospective partner. This is not my prudish hunch, but the very scientific finding of SeekingArrangement.com. The dating website asked 1,000 clients to name the perfect number of ex-lovers anyone should have, and the answer, from both males and females, was 10. Any more, claim the respondents to the survey, would be promiscuous; any less would betray an inexperienced fumbler, or a repressed loner.

So 10 it is, and I can see why. Nine lovers will have ironed out a person’s little idiosyncrasies, like popping in his mouth guard (“so I don’t forget”) before the first fumble. By number 10, she will have learned not to offer a running commentary during rumpy-pumpy. After 10 lovers, paranoia about one’s naked body disappears, and chatting to the opposite sex no longer unnerves. With any luck, out of 10 lovers, at least one will be great and inspire confidence in oneself – and thus in relationships.

By the tenth “friend”, even the most overprotective parents won’t pose questions like “are your intentions honourable?”. By then, too, nosy friends will have stopped studying each new candidate for sinister perversions or bunny-boiling tendencies. Ten previous lovers suggests a person is neither a commitment-phobe nor a desperado ready to hitch up with the first person who’ll have them.

If 10 has been deemed a good rule of thumb when it comes to admitting to past lovers, I should point out that some of us would rather die than discuss (let alone list) our exes with our present partner. It was a lesson that girls learnt at finishing school, like getting out of a sports car without showing too much leg. Bad girls did, and talked about it; good girls did, and kept mum. These charm schools did not wish to promote goody-goody Victorian morality, they just wanted to maximise students’ chances of bagging an eligible bachelor: numerous exes would intimidate, but secrets would titillate the chinless wonder with a country pile but without a clue.

Mary Killen, The Spectator’s agony aunt and queen of etiquette, thoroughly approves of such discretion. “Who wants their friends or strangers imagining them having 10, or any number, of couplings? Mystery is always best. Once graphic details, or even numbers, have been spelt out, they can never be forgotten.”

True, but in today’s confessional culture, reticence is worse than a hairy back. Health and safety are as much a part of sexual etiquette as they are of employment regulations. With the rise of internet dating, sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia and chilling reports of jealous rows ending in murder, a secret past is a turn-off.

Suddenly, making inquiries about a suitor’s romantic history is part of every courtship, as awkward but unavoidable as the moment when the bill arrives, and you don’t know whether to reach for your purse: are you going Dutch or do you risk offending him by intimating that he can’t afford to keep you in style?

“How many have you had?” is no longer a lubricious question but a legitimate one. Some men, of course, don’t need this excuse to divulge how many notches they’ve chalked up on their bedposts. Casanova, the notorious 18th-century ladies’ man, boasted more than 200 conquests. Mozart’s Don Juan turned his long catalogue of seductions into a delightful aria. And Warren Beatty’s biography claims that the Hollywood heart-throb managed to bed 12,775 women. More recently, we’ve had the 69-year-old Tony Blackburn admitting to 500 women, while Bill Roache – Coronation Street’s Ken Barlow – claims to have had over a thousand.

In comparison, Nick Clegg, who famously confessed to having slept with “no more than 30” women, sounds positively virginal – if not a little “vulgar”, as Matt Warren, editor of The Lady, puts it. “Going public with the number of lovers you’ve had is unforgivable.”

Especially, I’d venture, if you’re a politician. I can no more dissociate Clegg from his 30 lovers than Gladstone from his prostitutes, or Berlusconi from his glamour models. Knowing about the Deputy PM’s bunga-bunga past dents his dignity. Frisky Nick is a lot less authoritative than devoted (if henpecked) father-figure Nick.

Clegg’s full disclosure did prompt many a dinner-party game among Westminster-watchers: which MP has had the most lovers? (Readers’ answers welcome.) Some argue that a “colourful” past is a plus in parliamentarians, showing that they have a wide variety of experience.

Indeed, the liaisons of such MPs as Alan Clark, Jonathan Aitken and Mike Hancock (who fell for an alleged Russian spy) – to name just a few – are well documented. Flesh-peddling is part of the job, after all; and a scattergun approach to frolicking is, perhaps, understandable, given that Westminster allows all the emotional intimacy of a Moonie marriage ceremony. Others counter that politicians who have over-extended themselves on the sexual front in the past become more vulnerable to humiliation (or blackmail) should a bitter and twisted ex decide to wreak revenge.

For even among phlegmatic Anglo-Saxons, jealousy of the ex should not be underestimated. This cuts both ways. I know couples who are so insistent about keeping their sexual past a no-go area that their current partner suspects a former lover in every friend and at every party. All encounters have the potential for sulks, inquisitions and rows.

On the other hand, admission of a particular number of exes can lead to questions about dates, names and – yikes – rankings. For these obsessives, there is no right number of ex-lovers: 10 is as intolerable as 1,000, and as offensive as “mind your own business”.

Perhaps it is best to accept Matt Warren’s advice, which is that “there should be no upper or lower limit to the number of lovers one can admit to; that would be too prescriptive. The essential thing is the state of your current relationship. And if your partner does ask, bear in mind how the information you share will affect them.” ( telegraph.co.uk )

In other words, lie.

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Is your husband having an affair actually proof that he loves you?

Is your husband having an affair actually proof that he loves you? - Sounds absurd, doesn’t it? But a provocative new book says that everything you thought you knew about adultery is wrong...

When, just two years ago, Jack McNamara spoke of his love for his bride, there wasn’t a dry eye among their wedding guests.

The couple were already doting parents to a four-year-old son and Jack was like a father to his wife’s daughter from a previous relationship. No one among the 100-strong party — least of all the groom — would have guessed that a mere eight months later, Jack would cheat on Dawn.

‘I bumped into my first girlfriend, Lauren, in a pub one evening and she made it clear that she still liked me,’ says the 27-year-old recruitment consultant from Liverpool.

Author Eric Anderson makes the extraordinary claim that men have affairs not despite the fact that they love their partners, but because they do

‘The attention was nice and so I avoided telling her that I was happily married. I didn’t wear a ring, so she had no reason to suspect. We met over the next three weeks and slept together twice before I came to my senses and finished it. I love my wife very much. She’s a great mother, very caring and beautiful. The perfect woman, in fact. I cannot believe how stupid I was to risk everything we had for an affair.’

Many will find Jack’s adultery repellent. But he is by no means the first to jeopardise a happy relationship for a brief fling. A controversial new book argues that infidelity and marriage are entirely compatible. Eric Anderson, author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating, goes even further. He makes the extraordinary claim that men have affairs not despite the fact that they love their partners, but because they do.

WHO KNEW?
Seventy-eight per cent of men in a recent survey admitted they cheated even though they loved and wanted to stay with their partner

Dr Anderson, Professor of Sociology at the University of Winchester, interviewed 120 men and discovered that those who cheated did so because they were sexually bored, and not because they weren’t in love. He concludes that monogamy is an unrealistic expectation, arguing that men cheat — rather than walk out — because they love their wives and want to stay. If they didn’t, the obvious alternative would be to walk out and enjoy guilt-free sex with a new partner.

‘Evidence suggests men who cheat are romantically fulfilled, but unsatisfied with having sex with one person,’ says Dr Anderson. ‘It’s a subversive interpretation, but I’d suggest these men cheat because they do love their partners — they are simply too afraid to take the chance of losing them by expressing a desire for recreational sex with others.’

Certainly this accords with Jack’s experience. He was so terrified of losing the wife he loves that he ended the affair before she found out. But the damage had already been done. Dawn, 37, was suspicious about Jack’s increased absences and checked his mobile phone bill to see which numbers he had been calling. One number appeared repeatedly. When Dawn rang it Lauren answered.

Dr Anderson say men who cheat do so because they are sexually bored, and not because they aren't in love

‘Lauren told Dawn that she didn’t know I was married and admitted we’d slept together,’ says Jack. ‘Dawn then rang me at work and told me not to bother coming home. She was angry and hurt, which I understood. I hoped she might just need time to cool off but that was last March. She hasn’t had me home since.’

Although the mess is undoubtedly of his own making, it would take a hard heart not to acknowledge that the 14 months since the break-up have been torturous for Jack. He has contemplated suicide — once coming close to throwing himself from a multi-storey car park. His GP signed him off work for a fortnight and prescribed antidepressants. While Jack lies awake most nights thinking about his wife and the love he has thrown away, Dawn has petitioned for divorce. Jack is a ‘weekend dad’ to his son, Ben, a situation he finds deeply upsetting, and the stepdaughter he loves wants nothing more to do with him.

‘There really is no excuse for what I did,’ he admits. ‘We had a great relationship and were best friends, meeting for lunch most days so we could spend time together without the children. We had a beautiful home, wonderful holidays to America, Spain and Turkey and enough money to enjoy life.’

Having had many months alone to contemplate the reason for his affair, Jack has concluded that he craved attention. As a nursery nurse and a devoted mother-of-two, there were many demands on Dawn’s time and Jack says he sometimes felt neglected.

‘Dawn is ten years older than me and I met her when I was 19, so she helped me mature — but obviously I hadn’t grown up enough, or I wouldn’t have done something so stupid as have an affair,’ he says. ‘But I love my wife and she’s the only woman I want to be with. If I thought for a moment that Dawn might one day take me back, I’d happily spend the next ten years just waiting. But she says that while she can forgive my affair she can never forget, and she doesn’t feel that is any basis for a happy marriage.’

'If I thought for a moment that Dawn might one day take me back, I’d happily spend the next ten years just waiting. She says that while she can forgive my affair she can never forget, and she doesn’t feel that is any basis for a happy marriage.'

While Jack says that sex in his marriage was still good, Francine Kaye, relationship coach and author of The Divorce Doctor agrees with Eric Anderson’s thesis, that many men who stray do so because they’re bored and crave sexual variety.

‘It’s not that they don’t love their wives, but they don’t have the emotional intelligence or courage to say: “Look darling, we need to up the ante and re-ignite our passion, otherwise I might have an affair”,’ says Francine. ‘These men are reluctant to hurt their wives by admitting they’re bored, so instead they embark on a fling and hide it from their wives. ‘I’ve seen it time and time again. Passion in their marriages wanes, and they think the grass is greener.

‘But one body is much like another after a while. What they should do is teach the old body a few new tricks. I tell these men they should work on the relationships they have, and making them the best they can be.’

This requires them to take the time to figure out what attracted them to their wife in the first place then try to reconnect with that. This might involve going out on dates, enjoying shared activities and learning to communicate again.

Francine explains: ‘If she says: “He never talks to me” and he says: “She talks the hind leg off a donkey”, he should be turning up the volume and she should turn it down. It’s a matter of adjusting the setting on communication and rediscovering each other.’

Poor communication between Ben Hicks and his ex-partner, Beth, was a factor when he strayed three years into their relationship. Ben enjoyed socialising, but Beth had a child from a previous relationship and was a homebird, which meant he often went out alone. Ben, 39, a media manager from Daventry, Northants, would have liked them to do more together, but never insisted she join him.

One night, while watching an England match in a pub, he got chatting to a female friend of his cousin and soon afterwards they began an ‘intense affair’ that lasted six weeks. ‘I suppose all the tell-tale signs were there — me hiding my mobile phone so Beth didn’t see text messages, and going into the garden to take phone calls,’ says Ben. ‘Beth suspected there must be someone else and confronted me. I denied it but felt so ashamed at the prospect of hurting the woman I loved that I ended the affair.’

The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating by Eric Anderson

But even after his dalliance was over, the guilt proved too much for Ben and he came clean.
Beth insisted he move out. Ben was devastated that he had caused the break-up of a relationship with a woman he loved very much and spent the next six months persuading her to take him back.

Finally she did, promising to forget the affair, but every time they argued Beth used Ben’s infidelity as a weapon. Eventually, they decided to try for a baby and were overjoyed when their son, George, was born. However, the arguments continued and in 2005, when George was 14 months old, they split.

‘It was all my fault, I was a complete fool to ruin something so beautiful,’ admits Ben. ‘My affair led to so much anger and resentment and to this day I have no idea why I did it. I loved Beth and we had a happy life together. It took me years to get over losing her and while my son stays with me regularly, I cannot believe I’m not with him every day. My parents separated when I was only two and I never imagined I would put people I loved through the pain of an affair.’

George is now eight and although Ben is settled in a new relationship, he was deeply unhappy for years afterward and sought solace in a string of brief encounters, as he searched to replace what he’d lost. Paula Nicholson, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of London, dismisses outright Eric Anderson’s theory that men cheat because they love their wives.

‘I can’t see that it makes any sense at all. When men cheat — and let’s not forget that the majority in long-term relationships do not — they usually do so because they’ve had the opportunity,’ says Professor Nicholson, who counsels couples at the Tavistock Centre in London. ‘If a man goes on a business trip and has sex with someone he meets in a bar, he’s unlikely to be thinking: “I’m doing this because I love my wife”. He’s just hoping he doesn’t get found out.’

Having at first agreed to forgive and try to move on following her husband’s affair, there was to be no bright new beginning for 41-year-old Katy Edwards. Katy, a primary school teacher, suspected her husband was being unfaithful when she discovered photographs of a female colleague, taken at a wedding party, on his mobile phone in June 2009.

‘We were with our two children enjoying a break at Thomas Land [a Thomas the Tank Engine theme park] when my husband showed me some photographs taken at the evening party, which I’d not been at, the previous night,’ recalls Katy. ‘I thought it odd that there were pictures of one of his female colleagues, sitting alone. We were staying in a family room at a Travelodge and once the children — then aged four and two —were asleep, I confronted him.

‘I said “Is there something you need to tell me?” and he immediately replied “Yes”. He said he’d been having an affair for six months and that it was a relief to finally admit it. It was a horrible shock, I felt sick at the thought of my husband with another woman and couldn’t bear to be near him. I spent the night sitting out in the corridor.’

Over the days that followed, Katy was in a daze as her 42-year-old husband begged her to forgive his affair. Although hurt and angry, Katy, from Glasgow, agreed to give it a go, for the sake of their daughter and son, and they arranged to attend marriage counselling. She and Nigel had been married for nine years, having met when Katy was 26, and were drawn together by a shared love of travel.

They spent time together in Australia, Canada and Europe, but this mutual interest, Katy acknowledges, was difficult to maintain once their children came along and the demands of careers and parenting left little time for one another. However, few would argue that adultery is a constructive solution to a problem so familiar to many working parents.

‘We had been doing up our house, turning it into a lovely family home, and Nigel said he’d come to feel like a handyman,’ recalls Katy. ‘But I was cooking, cleaning and looking after the children.
‘All it took was another woman to give him attention and he was willing to risk everything we had together.’

Katy believed her husband still loved her and, as she wanted their children to grow up with both parents together, was able to give their marriage another go.

‘I think men can love their wives but still stray because, certainly in the beginning, affairs are more about sex than deep feelings,’ says Katy. ‘That’s what my husband said about his affair during counselling. He said he had tried to end it a few times but the other woman got very upset and gradually it developed into more of a relationship.’

Despite the counselling, and her greatest efforts, Katy found it impossible not to be suspicious every time her husband took a phone call or left the house, which put a huge strain on their marriage. In November 2009, five months after confessing to the affair, he moved out into a rented flat. The following February, he asked if Katy would take him back and give their marriage another chance. She refused, all too aware that the lack of trust between them would make it unworkable, and is now waiting for their divorce to be finalised.

‘Although I never wanted my children to suffer the hardship of coming from a broken home, the trust had gone and I don’t think we could have ever got it back,’ says Katy. ‘Sometimes love is not enough — when your husband has been unfaithful, how can you not live in fear of him betraying and hurting you all over again?’ ( dailymail.co.uk )

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Can you make real friends online?

Can you make real friends online? - We all need friends. We always have. Our ancestors found obtaining the basic necessities of life was easier in a group. But can you can have too much of a good thing? It’s estimated that the maximum number of people who lived in early communities of hunter-gatherers was 150.

According to evolutionary anthropologist Robin Dunbar, 150 is the largest number of people you can share trust and obligations with. This value is known as ‘Dunbar’s number’. It is thought to be a cognitive limit to the number of friends we can maintain, not the number of people we know. People can boast thousands of ‘friends’ on Facebook, but Dunbar would say that it is impossible to feed and nourish all these relationships.

‘I have 293 friends on Facebook,’ says John, 36. ‘I count 280 as close – hard to believe, actually.’

Social networking sites such as Facebook have changed the landscape of friendship. It may be the case that the ease with which we can now remain in touch makes Dunbar’s number less relevant. There may well be limits to the number of people we can keep a quality friendship with, the type of friend we phone for advice and help. But it may be that we are able to maintain, at a lower level, additional friendships of a different quality far beyond this number.

Yet how many of this number could you count on in your hour of need? On Christmas Day, Simone Back, 42, from Brighton, announced on Facebook to her 1,082 friends: ‘Took all my pills be dead soon so bye bye everyone.’ There were 150 online responses, including taunts and bickering. No one who lived nearby tried to help her or called 999. Her body was found the next day.

Part of the problem is that the meaning of the word ‘friend’ remains somewhat unclear. While Juliette, 43, regards a friend as someone who provides ‘emotional support both ways’, Mark, 40, considers a friend ‘someone whose life has crossed mine’.

Dunbar’s number might broadly describe the number of people with whom we share trusts and obligations, but it may underestimate the number of people with whom we might associate – whether sharing a drink with someone at the water cooler, or a glass of wine at your sister’s wedding.

Our circle of associates includes work colleagues, people we meet at parties, in the pub, on the train to work. Some associates are much more important than others – our family, our closest confidants and our children. Some are less important – the girls from our old netball team, the people in the office downstairs and Michael from marketing, with whom we went to the cinema once last year. We are capable of exchanging an email with all these people, and may have mutual acquaintances with a good number of them, providing common ground. When we think about it for a moment, the single label of ‘friend’ is not terribly useful. The quality and depth of our friendships is more important.

The difference in definitions of friendship often boils down to a question of needs. For some, friendship is all about affiliation – the need to have a large number of positive connections. For others, friendship is more about intimacy – the need to have a few warm, close relationships.

Having lots of affiliates does have its advantages. ‘A week before travelling, I posted on Facebook: “I’m in New York next week, anyone around?”’ says James, 23. ‘I met up with two old school friends who’d moved there 18 months earlier. It makes travel more random, more interesting.’

While both affiliation and intimacy are rewarding, in the long run, quality makes a bigger difference than quantity. Research suggests that people who choose to stick with a few close confidants in youth are better adjusted by middle age than those who need to chum up with many.

Social networking is a minefield for those with a strong need to affiliate. While it opens the opportunity to connect with the multitude, it also invites the possibility of rejection, where people can be ‘defriended’ by existing connections, or friendship requests can be turned down by prospective ones. People who need to affiliate are more likely to find these rejections particularly crushing. Some people find that social networking contributes to a sense of loneliness and inadequacy. An anonymous blogger wrote: ‘If I post something and no one responds, I feel sad and lonely. If I go on a friend’s page and see that they gave a rose or some other gift to some mutual friends, I wonder why I didn’t get anything. I feel like reaching out, but fear I will come across as needy or emotionally bereft.’

Degrees of comfort with using Facebook as a forum for friendship depend on your generation. In one camp are ‘digital natives’ – those born during or after the introduction of digital technology. They grew up with mobile phones, emails, blogs. When I ask digital native Ashley, 22, to describe someone who doesn’t use Facebook, she looks utterly surprised. ‘Everyone is on Facebook,’ she says, flatly. Tell a digital native you are not on Facebook and you can expect the response, ‘How do you live without Facebook?’

In the other camp are digital immigrants. They were born before the advent of digital technology, and are likely to have adopted it – to some extent, by necessity – later in life. They include the ‘avoiders’, who are suspicious of most social networking sites. They see the phenomenon as exhibitionist, voyeuristic, a threat to personal privacy.

‘It is pointless to collect friends you have lost touch with from your past,’ says Adam, 41. ‘If you aren’t good friends, it is probably for a good reason.’

Digital immigrants also count among their number the reluctant adopters who are likely to go on Facebook because they feel they have to, but try their best to avoid it.

Friends aren’t bound by blood or family bonds, employment contracts or legal obligations. We do things for one another because we want to. Whether writing a response to a photo tagged on Facebook, sending a birthday card by post, or making a hospital visit, the efforts we make for our friends are intentional acts of kindness. It is this voluntary nature of friendship that makes it rewarding – and precious.

In short-term or less intimate relationships, we are more aware of the importance of repaying favours quickly. For our closer friendships it is less tit for tat, quid pro quo – we come to trust that things will balance out in the end and that you will be there for one another when it matters most. We feel good about helping our friend out because, well, we are friends.

Friendships take work, they need to be nurtured, nourished and maintained. We often let our friendships slide because of a lack of time and energy. When carrying a heavy load at work, involved in a serious relationship or married with children, it’s hard to find time for friends. In these situations we need to remind ourselves of what friends are for and why they can be and very often are vital in our lives.

They save us from being overly dependent on one relationship for our identity. Even more than a buffer against what life can throw at us, friends are a source of personal enrichment and growth. In a survey of more than 2,000 married couples aged 55 or older, for both men and women, having friends was the best predictor of being satisfied in marriage – probably because they were more satisfied with their lives as a result of having friends.

Researchers at UCLA suggest social relationships are the reason women live longer than men. Social bonds reduce the risk of disease by decreasing blood pressure, cholesterol and heart rate. A lack of close confidants is as harmful to your health as smoking or being overweight. Indeed, people without friends are more likely to die younger. Not only do friendships prolong our lives, they make us happier, too. People who are socially active are less stressed and depressed – they also tend to feel better about their lives and who they are.

It is estimated that by 2020, one billion people will be on Facebook. Whether you use it or not, it’s worth remembering, friendship is about seeing eye to eye, not counting heads. ( psychologies.co.uk )

Blog : The Love is Beautiful
Post : Can you make real friends online?

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The Five Dos and Dont's of Commitment

The Five Dos and Dont's of Commitment - While an initial spark is all it takes for a man to ask you out and crave you sexually, there needs to be something more for him to want to commit to you exclusively. He needs to feel that he can’t wait to make you his and that he can’t stand the thought of you being with anyone else.

Rather than having “the talk” or giving him ultimatums, wouldn’t it be great if you could create that feeling so that he is the one asking you for a commitment? You can if you practice these simple steps:

DON’T keep bringing up the “commitment” discussion.

When you feel anxious or worried about where your relationship is headed, it's hard to resist wanting to know what he’s thinking.

But constantly trying to talk with him about commitment feels stressful to him and will only make him dig in his heels and retreat - even if he was on the verge of committing all on his own. So, no matter how much you’re dying to know what he’s thinking, resist the temptation to bring up this tender topic.

DON’T try convincing him

The more you try to make a case for how great you are as a couple, the more he feels cornered and manipulated. Your reasoning feels like criticism to him and makes him unable to share his true feelings. That’s certainly not the vibe you want to create in a loving relationship.

A man falls in love when he feels like he can make you happy by being himself and sharing the deepest parts of who he is. By rejecting those parts, you make him feel wrong and cause him to protect his true feelings - and his heart - from connecting with yours.

DO share your good feelings

When you feel good with a man, let him know! By opening up and sharing your feelings, you allow him to connect to you and the positive experience you are sharing. It makes him feel good that he makes you feel good, and he'll want more of that good stuff.

As you continue to lay a stronger foundation of positive feelings, it’s only natural that he will see you as a necessary and beautiful part of his life - and he’ll want to make sure you stay in it.

DO say what you want - with or without him

Instead of trying to convince him to commit, share your dreams and what you want for your future. For example: "I don't want to put pressure on the relationship. I don't want to try to convince you, or rush you. It feels good to be with you, but I know I want to have a family someday. What do you think?"

When he sees that you are first and foremost committed to yourself and your dreams, he will feel fired up about you. He will appreciate you as having high value and therefore be triggered to want you all to himself.

DO keep your options open

Dating is a time for you to find out what you really want in a relationship. You can’t do this if you close yourself off to other men before you have the commitment you desire. By meeting lots of people, you open yourself up to discovering a truly great match. You also avoid making any one man the center of your world. Remember, your first commitment is always to you!

As you can see, the key to making a man want you all to himself is to be the woman who loves him but doesn’t need him. When he senses that he’s very lucky to have you, he’ll be motivated to seal the deal before another guy gets in there first. ( mydailymoment.com )

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Web of romance

Web of romance - Online dating is as easy as shopping for shoes, says Patti Ewald.

I have been in the dating pool exactly twice.

The first time, I was a pretty, young university student.

The second time was 35 years later, and believe me, I certainly wasn't a young and pretty anymore. But I was older and wiser and, in many ways, a much better catch.

The years in between were filled with a marriage, but that's a story for another day - or maybe a Jerry Springer show.

I was 50-something a year ago when I went looking for love.

I found it on dating website, something I probably wouldn't have admitted five years ago (see, I told you I'm older and wiser).

What a great place to find someone. I mean, the whole online-dating thing in general.

You fill out a profile - what amounts to an "order sheet" for a mate - and voila! they appear. In droves. Yeah, yeah. Clunkers abound, but one woman's clunker may be another woman's Rolls-Royce.

The sad thing is, I've talked to a lot of lonely people who pull up their noses when I suggest looking for a date/mate online.

Is there a stigma to that? There shouldn't be.

Where are people our age supposed to find someone? We could die waiting for that lucky day when we swoon over the guy behind us in the checkout line or just happen to have our car fixed by the man of our dreams.

I say, go shopping. Online dating sites have made looking for love as easy as shopping for shoes. In both instances, what does it matter what they look like if they're not a comfortable fit?

Here are some pointers I hope you take to heart because they worked for me:

• The first thing is, don't be so picky. If someone looks like a match on paper, and his or her photo doesn't give you nightmares, give it a chance. What's the worst that can happen? You wasted an evening? It wasn't a waste if it was a learning experience, or if the seafood platter at dinner was good.
• When you are filling out your profile, tell it like it is. Want to be rich? Say you're looking for someone who makes more than $100,000. Don't like the opera but love NASCAR? Say it. But, for heaven's sake, don't lie.
• Saying you're 50 when you're 60 is okay in a roomful of people you'll never see again. But what if your date ends up being your spouse?
• You don't want the truth to come out when the two of you are filling out a marriage licence. Plus, and I don't have to tell you this, relationships based on truth and trust are the best.
• Along the same lines, don't let age dissuade you. Ten years older, 10 years younger .. what's the difference at our age? Think about how many 50-year-olds you know who look and act 70, or vice versa.
• Do, however, let money (or lack thereof) sway you. Love won't find a way if the two of you can't afford a night out now and then, even if you are splitting the bill.
• The biggest revelation I had is that there are a lot of people who want to do an elaborate online-dating dance. They are reluctant to meet in person, seemingly happy flirting and texting like teenagers.

You have to wonder if they are really available, or just playing single online. I say give me a half-hour with someone and I'll know what our chances are. It's easy to be witty and charming online; not so much in real life.

Give them credit for mustering up the courage to actually meet you, especially if you're a piece of work like I am. Don't mislead a casual date (someone you have mentally put in the "no way" category) into thinking the relationship is something more than it is.

Although it's tempting to always want to find someone better, remember: Play the field at your own risk. There are just as many fish in the sea for the other person as there are for you. ( smh.com.au )

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Dating sites agree to screen for sexual predators

Dating sites agree to screen for sexual predators - Three of the nation's leading online dating sites have launched a joint initiative to help protect users from sexual predators and identity theft.

The sites—eHarmony, Match.com and Spark Networks (owner of JDate, ChristianMingle and other properties)—announced an agreement to check subscribers against national sex offender registries. Any member who is identified as a registered sex offender will not be allowed to use the sites.

According to the program, announced by California Attorney General Kamala Harris on Tuesday, the sites will also offer members "safety tips for meeting people offline" and provide a faster system for reporting abuse such as fraud and financial scams, giving members "access to a website, email address and/or phone number to report any suspected criminal activity."

They will also continue to "screen members for safety threats, whether financial or physical, using a number of protective tools, including looking for fake profiles and checking sex offender registries to prevent registered sex offenders from using their fee-based services."

Harris, who is assigning a member of California's eCrimes unit as a liaison to the sites, is hoping other online dating services will follow suit. Representatives for eHarmony, Match and Spark say they have always taken their members' safety seriously, and that the agreement is to encourage best practices.

As Mashable pointed out, a woman brought a civil suit against Match.com last year after she was assaulted by a registered sex offender she met on the site. Match agreed to check all of its members against the National Sex Offender Registry, and the suit was dropped. ( The Sideshow )

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How to Approach a Woman

How to Approach a Woman - If you have been out of the dating game for a while, the idea of somehow getting a date with a woman can be daunting. But don't worry -- you are just out of practice! If you want it, love and a successful relationship can be just around the corner.

Below is everything you need to know to get back into the dating game with confidence. Who knows? You may even find the love of your life!

Get Ready ...
Get ready for love and dating in the following ways:

1. Know what you want. Are looking for a long-term -- or even a lifelong -- relationship, or is more casual dating your goal? Define what you want so that you and the people you date are not confused.

2. Take care of yourself. If you are lonely, sad, angry, need touch, need to talk, or have other needs, get these handled by your family, friends, masseuse, etc. Dating is not a good way to get needs met since it will be a while before you know the people you are dating well enough to ask for their help.

3. Groom. Women find well-groomed men attractive, while men who are not well-groomed turn them off. Well-groomed covers everything from personal hygiene to clothing. Be very clean from your hair to your toes and everything in between. Wear clean, fresh clothing, even if you dress casually.

Get Set ...
Next, you want to set yourself up to win at meeting compatible women.

1. Get a buddy. Find a buddy who is in the same position of starting to date after a long time on the bench. The two of you can swap war stories and strategies and offer each other moral support. This will make the whole process easier.

2. Get out there. Be social at least two times per week.

3. Find your niche. If you had all the time in the world and wanted to do something interesting with other people, what would you do? Good, now go do those things! You want to be around people who are a nice match for your personality so that it is easy and natural to meet women who are a good fit.

Go!
Keep these tips in mind on your approach:

1. Aim for friendship first. If you are having trouble approaching women, start by just being friendly. Friends make for great relationships. Friendships are easier to start than a romance. Friendships are non-threatening. Women respond to invitations to friendship.

2. Be confident. Women appreciate men who are confident yet not cocky. Find a way to be genuinely confident about your life, your appearance, your job, your ability to attract a woman of your choice-- while not letting it go to your head. Let this confidence shine through.

3. Talk. Women live in a world of words. A sure way to successfully approach and connect with a woman is by talking with her. Ask about her interests, her life, her opinions, and be open to sharing your own. Don't stop this practice once you are in a relationship -- a woman will always need for you to communicate and talk with her.

4. Be honest about yourself. Weave real details about yourself into the conversation, disclosing information a woman may want to know about you, such as how long you have been out of a relationship, whether you have kids, etc. ( thirdage.com )

Now, get out there and make it happen!

READ MORE - How to Approach a Woman

How to Get Men to Approach You

How to Get Men to Approach You - Want to know a secret to attracting a wonderful man, ladies? Be seen in public in a joyful mood.

It sounds simple, doesn't it? But many single women have trouble attaining such a playful mood in public, and accomplishing it takes self-mastery and focused intent -- which will immediately put you in a category apart from all others.

How to Get Men to Approach You

A happy and spontaneous woman who's obviously in a leisure moment, and not too occupied to pay attention to social overtures, is much more likely to receive attention than a woman who's rushing somewhere on a vital mission, head bowed in anxiety, face stiff with the fear of an unwanted approach. And most single women in public act as though they want to avoid what they actually wish would happen: that a man of Robert Redford-like charm would make intriguing small talk with them.

Feeling confident in public places widens the range of eligible men to whom a single woman will be exposed. And it lessens the chances of being approached by the truly predatory, who are more interested in the wounded, fearful, and anxious. Easier said than done? Nonsense.

First, identify a public place and turn it into your personal parlor.

Find a place where you feel comfortable visiting with friends, eating a meal, or having a cappuccino and reading the paper . . . alone. Get to know the staff and management, and become a recognized and welcome customer.This need not be a bar. But it does need to:

• Be within easy walking distance from your home
• Be open as many hours a day as possible
• Have a social atmosphere congenial to you
• Have a friendly service staff
• Offer comfortable chairs where your feet reach the floor
• Have lighting soft enough to enhance your skin and strong enough to read by

It may be a cybercafe, or a neighborhood bar and grill that serves breakfast on the weekends, or a place where you can drop in for a double espresso and read the paper after Sunday grocery shopping. Perhaps it's a favorite restaurant where you can eat a snack or a full meal, depending on your mood.

Consciously make this place your hangout.

Make this comfortable spot the place you have lunch with your girlfriend once a week, entertain clients, or meet new acquaintances for a drink or coffee.

Get to know the names of the service staff, and tip well, so that when you show up everyone recognizes you -- and they'll always note when you're talking to someone new. Become a favorite customer. In particular, get to know the bartenders and hostesses in such places because they are like the captains of the ship and watch everyone who comes and goes. You'll never fear being approached by a weird stranger once you feel surrounded by friends.

Although you can start frequenting such a place with someone else, make sure you also show up regularly by yourself.

If you're going to be seen with friends, make sure they are a delight, so that you laugh and smile frequently. If alone, make sure you look around you frequently and make eye contact with someone occasionally. If you cultivate the right place, it will feel like a home away from home. And you will notice who comes and goes. Feel free to relax and be receptive to eye contact and smiles from people you don't know . . . yet. Why not? You've created your own safe, public parlor.

Certainly, at first you'll probably have to consciously create the circumstances in which to relax in public. Then, you can expand and similarly create other public spaces in which you feel "at home" enough to receive attention from men. Say, you branch out to a local bistro where you can listen comfortably to jazz music on a Saturday evening. Remember, you're in charge, not the space, not the people around you. When you do this, your face will relax enough to invite an approach from a man who is assertive enough to make a small overture, and healthy enough to choose a confident woman with whom to do so.

I recommend that any single woman who wants to meet more men practice the discipline of socializing where she can give and receive mild flirtations without endangering herself or feeling anxiety. Think of it as a discipline, like meditating in public. Walk that razor's edge of being both relaxed and alert to the world around you, and you will never feel dis-empowered in a social situation. The end result? You'll meet a lot more of the kind of men you want to meet. ( thirdage.com )

READ MORE - How to Get Men to Approach You

Online dating now one of most common ways to start a relationship... second only to meeting through friends

Online dating now one of most common ways to start a relationship... second only to meeting through friends - Internet dating is now the second most common way of starting a relationship after meeting through friends, research shows.

But don't put too much faith in online 'match-making' services, experts warn, as these have little evidence to back them up.

Digital dating is vital in a society where the methods of forming relationships are grossly inefficient, claim psychologists from the University of Rochester in the U.S.

'Efficient': Find a date online, say experts, but don't trust the 'match-up' quizzes

They say that online partner-hunting can be highly successful, providing would-be daters take a realistic approach, reported the Daily Telegraph.

'Online dating is definitely a new and much-needed twist on relationships,' said Harry Reis, one of the report's five authors and a professor in psychology.

'The internet holds great promise for helping adults form healthy and supportive romantic partnerships, and those relationships are one of the best predictors of emotional and physical health.'

Don't judge him: The researchers said 'shopping' for potential mates online can make us more judgemental and picky (posed by models)

But Professor Reis warned that that match-making websites' claims they can find you the perfect mate using 'scientific' quizzes are as yet unproven.

He also said that the habit of assessing hundreds of potential dates can make people increasingly judgemental and picky.

The study, commissioned by the Association for Psychological Science, said the social stigma that initially surrounded internet dating was fast disappearing.

Around 25million unique users logged on to dating sites last April alone, according to one estimate. ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Online dating now one of most common ways to start a relationship... second only to meeting through friends

In Facebook Game, Indian Women Reject Dowry

In Facebook Game, Indian Women Reject Dowry - A new social-media game is drawing renewed attention to an age-old problem in India - the illegal practice of dowry, or the transfer of wealth from a bride's family to a groom's family to coax him into marriage, a practice often abused by families that make excess demands.

The Facebook game is called “Angry Brides” - reminiscent of the mobile-phone sensation “Angry Birds.”

The player assumes the role of a Hindu goddess whose many arms can throw projectiles like stiletto-heeled shoes and construction boots at potential husbands.

Every time the player hits one of the desirable professional men, the amount of money he demands for marriage goes down. The matchmaking company that developed the game says it's a lighthearted way to inspire women to take a stand against dowry.

Ranjana Kumari of the Delhi-based Center for Social Research has spent the last 30 years fighting the dark side of dowry. Kumari says dowry was historically meant to be a blessing, but now is often a curse.

“Ultimately it ends up in the hands of these in-laws who are greedy, who have lust for money, who would want to live a life of luxury without making effort for it," she said.

"Prathy," a dowry-dispute victim who withheld her name for fear of reprisals, saw her parents lose everything.

"When I moved into my husband's house after getting married, they beat me a lot because they wanted more dowry," she said. "He used to say, 'the only way I will keep you is if you bring 50,000 rupees from your parent's house.' My parents don't have any money anymore."

“My parents gave a gold ring, a gold chain, a fridge, a television set, a bed. Clothes for the whole family and relatives," she said. "They gave almost everything that is usually included in dowry and even then these people kept asking for more.”

Technically illegal

Officially, dowry has been illegal in India for more than 50 years, but it remains widespread. Thousands of women are killed each year in dowry disputes, and, according to Kumari, India's rising wealth exacerbates the problem.

"For the poor, there is a kind of agreement that you can only do this much," says Kumari. "So there is a kind of a level playing field for those families. But for the middle class, there is almost mindless desire to live in luxury."

Experts say there is a clear link between the practice of dowry and the sharply declining girl-to-boy ratio of babies in India.

Canada's Center for Global Health Research released findings last year suggesting selective abortion may account for up to 12 million missing girls over the last three decades.

Kumari says families want to avoid dowry obligations, and points out that some abortion clinics have even used that fact to market their services.

“There used to be a lot of advertisements you would see around Delhi and smaller city towns and villages - and it would be clearly displayed: 'please spend 5,000 Rupees today, to save your 500,000 Rupees tomorrow," says Kumari.

"Manpreet," a dowry-dispute victims whose name we've withheld to protect her identity, says she fought back against her family to carry her child to term after its gender was discovered.

"They found out through ultrasound it was a girl, and my in-laws said we don't need a girl," she said. "When I refused to get an abortion done, all of them beat me a lot."

Women's advocates say India needs a fast-track legal mechanism to crack down on dowry cases, and that women need to develop the courage to refuse dowry demands, even if that means remaining unmarried. ( voanews.com )

READ MORE - In Facebook Game, Indian Women Reject Dowry

Off your high horse, ladies - it's power, not gender, that makes people cheat

Off your high horse, ladies - it's power, not gender, that makes people cheat - We've all seen the headlines about cheating footballers and love-rat actors – recent reports about celebrity super-injunctions and Arnie's secret 'lovechild' are just the latest twists on an age-old tale. But have you ever wondered why so few of these salacious stories feature women in the role of the unfaithful villain?

A group of researchers at a Dutch university did and they set out to investigate whether gender really is as big a factor as we think it is. Their conclusion, published in Psychological Science, may surprise you: when it comes to cheating, it's power, not gender, that's the most important factor.

The academics surveyed 1,561 people through an online questionnaire targeted at readers of a weekly magazine for professionals. They asked respondents to rate how powerful they thought they were and also measured other variants such as confidence, distance and perceptions of risk. "People often assume that powerful men may be more likely to cheat because they have risk-taking personalities or because of distance, such as frequent business trips that many powerful people go on," said Joris Lammers of Tilburg University. "We found little correlation between either of the two."

Instead, the study revealed that there was a strong correlation between power and confidence, meaning that the amount of confidence a person has links strongly with their capacity for unfaithfulness. And far from playing away being a male preserve, Lammers and his team found that, among powerful people, gender made no difference when it came to past indiscretions or in the participants' desire to cheat.

So why don't we hear more about women cheating? The only recent high profile case that springs to mind is that of the wife of former government minister Alan Johnson, Laura, whose affair with the police bodyguard assigned to protect them was made public earlier this year.

Lammers believes the answer is simple: there just aren't as many women in positions of power as men. "As a social psychologist, I believe that the situation is everything," he said. "As more and more women are in greater positions of power and are considered equal to men, then familiar assumptions about their behaviour may also change. This may lead to increased negative behaviours among women that in the past have been more common among men."

Other research backs up his claims that, given the opportunity, women are just as likely to stray as men. Reports in Psychology Today last year revealed that while the rates of infidelity among men have remained stable over the past few decades, at an estimated 50-60 per cent of all males across a lifetime, female infidelity has steadily increased. Current estimates put the rates of unfaithfulness among women at 45 to 55 per cent, bringing us almost in line with men. The difference, according to another study, is that women are better at keeping their behaviour a secret. Just ask Farrah Fawcett, who reportedly had an affair for 11 years without telling a soul.

So are men really more likely to cheat? Or do women just want them to think that? Have your say below. ( mydaily.co.uk )

READ MORE - Off your high horse, ladies - it's power, not gender, that makes people cheat

Dating Your Friend's Ex

Dating Your Friend's Ex - One of the eternal questions that plague men all over the world is, what are the rules about dating your friend’s ex? Is there some kind of man code that says that once a woman has been claimed by a member of your pack there is no way another can ever date her down the road? Is there a time frame from when they dated that makes her totally off limits to you? Let’s say they dated for six months. Does that mean you need to wait around another six until you can do anything? Until he has another girlfriend? And what happens if this is your best friend’s girlfriend? What are the rules then?

Let’s set the scenario: Your friend is dating an amazing girl. (And I’m talking about a real friend here, not a friend of a friend, a work friend or someone you see around who goes to all the same events as you.) The whole time your friend was dating this great woman, you always made sure to tell your buddy how lucky he was to have a woman like her. Every time you hung out with them in a group you guys really got along with each other. She was so cool. And all you kept thinking was, “Why can’t I meet somebody like her?”

Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?

But now you’re in a predicament -- they’ve broken up. To make things worse, she was the one who broke things off with your friend. Maybe he called you and told you; maybe you saw her out and, in the middle of another great conversation, she brought it up. So what do you do at this point? Is is OK to call her? Or maybe she’s started calling you.

Now that she’s single, you’re really thinking about this woman a lot. You start to develop feelings for her. You guys talk with each other and she tells you she’s starting to have feelings for you, too. At the same time, your friend still talks about her and wonders if he did something wrong to ruin the relationship.

Now you’re in one of the biggest predicaments of your entire social life. You really want to start dating your friend's ex, and she wants to go out with you. You want to start seeing her, and you have a very strong feeling that you two are really going to hit it off. What do you do in this situation?


How To Handle Your Friend's Ex

There are a lot of guys out there who truly feel that once they've dated a woman she is off limits to all of his friends -- no matter how long it’s been since they broke up. This is ridiculous thinking. We don’t own people; we just share our time with them. It’s your job to make the relationship that you have with her a great experience, and when that relationship comes to an end, you need to let her go. You had your time together and hopefully you created some great memories, but now it’s not your place to try to change and control anyone’s future or the way they want to live their lives.

I am somebody who truly believes that people are not possessions. I don’t care if it’s a casual acquaintance, I don’t care if it’s your best friend in the whole world, and I don’t care who broke up with whom. If I break up with someone -- and I have broken up and been broken up with a lot -- I have no problem with any of my friends dating my ex, falling in love with her and even marrying her. A great relationship, and great chemistry between two people, can be rare to come by.

If you’re feeling a connection with someone, I firmly believe that you need to take every potential opportunity for finding a great person to be with. And if you’re the bystander, if you’re fuming because your friend is dating your ex who broke up with you, you need to realize that people are not your possessions. You may have shared something special with her in the past -- and that’s something to cherish -- but now it’s time to give your friend and your ex the freedom to do what they want without you in the picture.

Have I ever been in this situation? Sure I have. In fact, my good friend Charlie is married to a woman I used to date. They started dating three years after she broke up with me. I was perfectly fine with it because I never saw my ex as a possession. When I reflected on the whole situation, what I really wanted for both of them was to be happy, however that would come about.


What To Do

So, if you have feelings for your best friend’s ex, here is what you need to do. First you need to confirm your feelings with her. Sit down with her, clear the air and tell her exactly how you feel. You know she feels the same way about you as you do about her. Make sure you are both on the same page with each other. Then you need to make sure you are both on the same page about your friend. Tell her, “We need to talk about how to approach this situation with my friend. I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I certainly don’t want it to stop me from acting on my feelings for you.”

You need to talk this out with her. Both of you know your friend well, from different points of view, and together you will be able to come up with an honest way of telling him so that he will not be angry or hurt. Once you’ve had that conversation with your friend’s ex, you’ll need to sit down with him. Depending on how close you are, this can be one of the toughest things in the world -- you need to have “the talk.”


Breaking The News To Your Friend

When you sit down with him, be truthful and tell him what your friendship with him means to you. For most men, really communicating that to another guy is the hardest part, but you need to get that out there and let him know that you respect him. Then you’ll need to ask him how he would feel if you started dating his ex. You really need to be honest and tell him everything. You need to tell him how you feel and whether you’re serious about her. He may be fine with it. He may have to sit and think about it. He may be upset and say, “F*ck you. Absolutely not.” He may not want to see you for a while. In time, though, he is going to understand.

He’s not with her anymore, so give him his space if he needs it. He is out there dating, having fun and sleeping with other women. Eventually, he is going to get over it. Amazing women with whom you have incredible chemistry don't come around that often. You have every right and you owe it to yourself to pursue a relationship with her.

Depending on how close your friendship is, this may be one of the toughest situations of your life. You’ll need to display complete and total honesty with yourself and ask yourself how serious you are about it (it’s OK if you don’t know yet, but you need to be honest). You need to be honest with this new woman in your life and with your friend. This is going to be a tough lesson, but a valuable one. Your ability to have difficult conversations with two people you care about, knowing that those conversations won’t be safe or easy, will demonstrate what sort of a man you are. ( askmen.com )

READ MORE - Dating Your Friend's Ex

Teen Tips for Romance and Dating

Teen Tips for Romance and Dating - Love can take you to new highs -- and new lows. You may have the strongest feelings of your life, which is great when things are good. But if things go bad, it’s devastating. Here are six dating tips to help you keep your head during this exciting time.


Dating Tip 1: Take Your Time

Some teens date, some don’t. “Girls need to feel good about themselves before they start to date,” says Charles Wibbelsman, MD, chief of adolescent medicine at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco. His advice: only date if you know yourself and know you want to date. If you’re not ready, it’s cool to stay single and hang out with your close friends.


Dating Tip 2: Find Someone Who Likes You Back

Feelings that aren’t returned can make you question everything about yourself. Did you say something wrong? Were you wearing the wrong things? In a healthy relationship, the feelings are mutual. You respect each other, and have fun together. If this doesn’t describe your situation, there’s nothing wrong with you, but you probably do need to keep looking.

Dating Tip 3: Know When to Move On

Sometimes you have to admit it, the relationship isn’t working. Maybe the love of your life has turned mean and selfish. Maybe you realize you want something better. “If a boyfriend doesn’t give you what you need, walk away,” says Danielle Greaves, MSW, who works with girls at The Guidance Center in Cambridge, Mass. She tells girls all the time, “It hurts now but you can get through this.”


Dating Tip 4: Talk about Facebook Before You Talk on Facebook

Social media puts the ups and downs of dating out there for everyone to see. If you like a guy or he likes you, it’s perfectly OK to ask him not to post things about you online, including pictures. Some things don’t have to be shared with the whole world.


Dating Tip 5: Protect Yourself from Pressure

Pressure is not love, and it’s not even normal. Most teens say they’ve never felt pressured to be in a relationship before they were ready. Still, a little mental preparation never hurts. Decide ahead of time what your values are and how far you want to go. That way, you won’t have to figure it out in the heat of the moment.

Here are a few concrete things you can do to keep yourself out of the pressure chamber:

Avoid situations where a guy might expect more than you want to give.
Go out with boys close to your age. Girls who go out with older guys are more likely to have sex before they’re ready.


Dating Tip 6: Give Love Time to Grow

Sometimes the idea of love is better than love itself. How do you know if you’re really in love?

If you’re infatuated, need constant reassurance, and have trouble thinking about anything else, these are signs you’re not really in love. It’s fun for now but in time, you’ll probably feel disappointed.

Mature love grows stronger with time. The more you get to know each other, the stronger your feelings. And you don’t have to be someone you’re not. You like each other for who you truly are. If you’re like most people, finding mature love takes more than one try, but it’s definitely worth it ( webmd.com )

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