The Love is Beautiful: Conception

Showing posts with label Conception. Show all posts

Is true love just a romantic fiction?

Is true love just a romantic fiction? - As a hot-blooded teenager, Sebastian Faulks turned to books to try to discover what women thought and felt - My approach to the opposite sex was initially shaped by books. My technique, if that can be the word, was based on James Bond – or, to be precise, Sean Connery. My soul (a word I was fond of at the time) was modelled on Julien Sorel in Stendhal’s Le Rouge et Le Noir, Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights and Paul Morel in Sons and Lovers. Unfortunately the mini-skirted sixth former who was the object of my desire had read none of these books.

Much of what we understand about romantic love comes, I think, from fiction. Parent-child love, a purer and more selfless emotion, doesn’t need explaining in the same way; most of us are lucky enough to have known it as our first experience. Love of friends, another somewhat under-valued feeling, generally comes young and spontaneously. Yet when people have to navigate their way through the straits of romantic/sexual love and its life-long domestic implications, I think that the lives of fictional characters often give them a star by which to steer.

You know about the importance of this feeling before you experience it, so you want to find out what’s in store; but real people – especially parents – are not good at putting such things into words. One can sympathise: no one likes to be cross-examined about personal matters only to find they have no verbal means with which to explain their life-changing emotions. The only reliable resource, therefore, is good novels, in which the inner lives of the characters are scrutinised.

We learn from the extreme actions of fictional lovers about the deranging power of the emotion

At the age of 16 I had no idea why Mr Brown next door had married Mrs Brown or if they had ever been ''in love’’; but I knew every shift of Paul Morel’s affections between Miriam and Clara. At the end of my first real-life love affair, some years later, I found no comfort in the ''relationships’’ of my friends or the marriages of older people, but I did know what Tess had felt for Angel in Tess of the d’Urbervilles, what Charley had felt for Rose in Henry Green’s wonderful novel Back, and it was some consolation.

A novelist may opt to describe love feelings head on – ''She felt as if…’’ – though the range of applicable words is not large and can lead to bathos. Elizabeth Bowen and Anita Brookner are among those who have found life in the available vocabulary. Or a writer can put emotions into dialogue. One thinks of Dobbin’s magnificent rejection of Amelia Sedley in Vanity Fair: ''You couldn’t reach up to the height of the attachment which I bore you, and which a loftier soul than yours might have been proud to share.’’ This to the woman he has wasted his whole life loving! Or of the overbearing Mr Knightley in Emma at last brought to his knees by the heroine: ''If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.’’ Or the dying Catherine to Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights: ''You have killed me – and thriven on it, I think.’’

Most writers, though, look for a way of making actions speak for their characters. Like Inman in Charles Frazier’s Cold Mountain, they undertake long journeys and suffer deprivations; or they treasure meaningless keepsakes. In The Magic Mountain, Thomas Mann’s great novel set in a TB sanatorium, we discover that the main character, Hans Castorp, has somehow acquired the lung X-ray of a fellow patient, the saucily named Madame Chauchat. At the time (before World War One), X-rays were new, invasive, frightening; a woman who had been so photographed might feel violated. And behind the blurred rib cage is her implacable heart.

We learn from the extreme actions of fictional lovers about the deranging power of the emotion; but we deduce also that we are not insane. Scott Spencer’s 1979 novel Endless Love, about an incendiary teenage affair, has an intensity that is disturbing, but reassuring. You think, as with Heathcliff and Catherine: this is not a feeling I want to share; my own lunacy is comparatively within bounds.

I suppose it is possible that the artistry of writers has led people astray. You can argue that novelists have done more than helpfully explore the emotion; they have exalted it to a place of primacy in human affairs that it’s not suited to hold. After all, love is an abstract – a passion, with an unpredictable lifespan. Yet it is the only emotion we treat as though it were a reason or a judgment.

No one makes the major decisions of their life on the basis of jealousy, anger or slight resentment; these are disparaged as low and passing things. But the majority of people set up house and order their life on the basis of the variable that is romantic love. And those who have not found their ideal ''other’’ are sometimes made to feel that they have failed. This ''love’’ thing is not only treated as a social regulator, it has a degree of snobbery within it: those who have been most monogamously passionate are viewed as the most admirable in society; we are asked to look up to them.

Did this enthronement of an emotion come about because love affairs and their slow unfolding have been such a gift to the novelist? I don’t know; but I’m sure that writers are not going to stop.

Good novels try to offer the reader a sense of transcendence – of this short, absurd life with its known, bathetic ending reordered into something more shapely, satisfactory and uplifting. And the only transcendent experience available to non-religious people is the life-giving power of love.

While with its ego and darkness, romantic love is not as pure as parent/child love, it has something family love does not: a sense that we have defeated the limits of life by finding a stranger who is already familiar to us; whose every blink of eye and fold of skin is deep in our memory, coded in our prehistoric DNA. And through his extraordinary feeling we sense that we can rise above death.

Iris Murdoch wrote about this aspect of love, of how all the co-ordinates of a life can change in a moment. Her best books, The Black Prince and The Bell, deal thrillingly with this among other ideas. The American writer Richard Yates is thought of as the laureate of marital despair for his novels, but his short stories, which are superior, have exquisite moments of love, as do the stories of his fellow-American Lorrie Moore and the novels of Anne Tyler.

One of the greatest writers on love is Edith Wharton. At the end of the The Age of Innocence, the 57-year-old Newland Archer sits beneath the Paris balcony of the woman who is the love of his life, but from whom events have separated him. He decides that she will be more real to him if she stays in his memory than if he goes up to visit her, knowing that she cannot be his. At that moment, a servant closes the shutters. ( telegraph.co.uk )

I would have gone up.

Lots of sex is not necessarily a prerequisite for a happy marriage

Lots of sex is not necessarily a prerequisite for a happy marriage. But apparently, if you are neurotic or the spouse of a neurotic, it really, really helps. That's the conclusion of a new study out of the University of Tennessee that followed 72 newlyweds for four years.

People who are neurotic — those who tend to view life as a state invented so that bad things could happen to them — make substandard marital partners. It makes sense: if you judge all your experiences negatively, you're not only going to dislike marriage but you're going to be a downer to live with. “High levels of neuroticism are more strongly associated with bad marital outcomes than any other personality factor,” said Michelle Russell and James McNulty, authors of the new study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Russell and McNulty checked in with the 72 newly married couples every six months, asking them to rate their marital happiness, and the amount of sex they were having. They found that on average, couples reported rolling in the hay about once a week during the first six months of marriage, and about three times a month by the fourth year of marriage. For many couples, the decline made little difference in how content they felt about their marriage.

For neurotics, however, the figures were a bit different. After the initial honeymoon period, they and their spouses say their marriages did not bring them much joy. But those who maintained a high-frequency sex life had no such issues. "Frequent sex is one way that some neurotic people are able to maintain satisfying relationships," the authors write. The sex seems to make up for the happiness deficit under which neurotics usually labor.

The authors speculate that the gladdening effect could be because of the oxytocin and endogenous opioids that are released during sex. Some of McNulty's former studies suggest that copulating often improves wives' body image, thereby boosting both partners' marital satisfaction. Copious sex can also mitigate the effects of attachment disorder in a marriage. ( time.com)

When sex becomes an addiction

When sex becomes an addiction -- "Californication" star David Duchovny made headlines for voluntarily entering rehab last week. But it wasn't for drugs or alcohol. It was for another dependency, one that affects millions of Americans but is seldom discussed: sex addiction.

Sex addiction, also called compulsive sexual behavior, is like a gambling compulsion or alcoholism: It's about devoting your free time to a behavior that you cannot stop, even if you damage relationships or prompt other negative consequences. That could mean extensively using pornography, having affairs, sleeping with prostitutes, and masturbating excessively, to the point where such behaviors get out of control.

If you think it's just about primal desire, think again. For many addicts, sex becomes a way to numb out painful feelings, kill time or stop feeling lonely, says Kelly McDaniel, licensed professional counselor in San Antonio, Texas, and author of "Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex and Relationship Addiction."

"Most people I talk to get to the point where they don't even like sex," said McDaniel, who has no connection to David Duchovny and did not speculate about his specific situation.

Who are sex addicts?

Sex addiction is estimated to affect 3 to 6 percent of adults in the United States, according to the Mayo Clinic, but the American Psychiatric Association has not classified the condition in its diagnostic handbook. Sexhelp.com, run by psychologist Patrick Carnes, provides an online test to help people determine if they have a problem.

The Internet, providing endless opportunities for porn-watching and cybersex, has fueled a surge in cases of sex addiction, experts say.

"We're seeing it with epidemic proportions now, particularly with regards to cybersex," said Mark Schwartz, psychologist and former director of the Masters and Johnson Institute in St. Louis, Missouri. "There isn't a week that goes by where I don't get two calls" about sex addiction.

Therapists have recently seen more women with the condition in connection with Internet porn, which has become a "gender-neutral" addiction, McDaniel said. Before, female sex addicts generally tended to have affairs or become sex workers, she said.

Experts acknowledge that people who have affairs or use pornography are not necessarily sex addicts. Such pastimes form an addiction when they generate negative consequences for a person's relationships, take over free time and become impossible to quit.

Where does it come from?

About 80 percent of sex addiction cases have sexual abuse or emotional trauma in their backgrounds, said Doug Weiss, therapist and executive director of the Heart to Heart Counseling Center. Schwartz also noted that huge numbers of people coming forward as sex addicts have been abused, assaulted or raped.

"When you have abuse in your background, you're less likely to trust people, [and] you're more likely to turn to something like sex addiction as a manifestation," Schwartz said.

Feelings of neglect as a child -- whether from divorced parents or parents who both worked and didn't spend a lot of time with their kids -- may also lead to sex addiction, Schwartz said.

Research into the neuroscience of sex addiction has not been conclusive, the Mayo Clinic said. Naturally occurring chemicals in the brain such as dopamine and serotonin do contribute to sexual functioning, but it's not clear how they are related to sex addiction. McDaniel said these two chemicals are lower in the brains of children who have suffered abuse, which may explain why some of them use their own bodies -- or, in other cases, food -- to increase dopamine and serotonin levels.

A lot of teenagers develop their sexuality with pornography, and then find that relational sex isn't as satisfying, Weiss said. Porn gives them a "very strong chemical hit," and alters ways of thinking about sex, somewhat like the classic "ring the bell, feed the dog" stimulus-response mechanism. Addicts thus learn to become sexually attached to objects, and have trouble getting the same kind of satisfaction from sex in a relationship, he said.

For many people, especially women, sex addiction occurs in tandem with another problem such as an eating disorder, drug or alcohol addiction, McDaniel said.

How does treatment work?

A good treatment center will review the reasons why the addiction has come about, along with the brain chemistry of it, McDaniel said. A premier rehabilitation facility would have a combination of individual and group therapy, 12-step support, and possibly psychiatric medications such as antidepressant medications if necessary.

The 12-step programs, which have components that parallel Alcoholics Anonymous, are the most widely used form of treatment, said Sam Alibrando, therapist and consultant in Pasadena, California. They involve having a sponsor and being available for others in the group at any time. Anecdotally, however, they work less well than AA because sex is harder to give up, said Alibrando, author of "Follow the Yellow Brick Road: How to Change for the Better When Life Gives You Its Worst."

"Treatment is long-term, and it's not easy," McDaniel said. "I really recommend that a woman or a man find someone who's trained and understands that sex addiction is a brain disease and does not further the shame that comes with this disease."

Unlike drugs or alcohol, the goal of sex addiction therapy is usually not abstinence, but rather learning to have sex in a relationship, experts say. Similarly, someone who recovers from an overeating disorder does not stop eating entirely but learns how to manage diet. Marriage counseling often becomes part of the treatment, Weiss says.

The goals of recovery vary for different people, says Alibrando. He's currently treating a couple in which the wife cannot tolerate her husband even looking at other women. On the other end of the spectrum, he has treated couples in which a woman will buy her boyfriend pornography.

"The spectrum is so wide in terms of where people draw the line," says Alibrando.

Some recovering addicts join support groups requiring that members only have sex with their partners, even prohibiting masturbation.

What's after recovery?

Weiss considers himself a former sex addict, having recognized his problem in his early 20s. Women weren't making him happy; he was using pornography and felt "in conflict" about it.

Now, he runs a resource Web site for recovery at sexaddict.com, along with three-day intensive workshops to jump-start recovery for sex addicts.

Weiss said he's proud of Duchovny for voluntarily seeking help, apparently without prodding from press reports or lawsuits.

"This kind of person who decides to get recovery for themselves without getting exposed" is "likely to get better," he said. "People who voluntarily get better have a much better chance of staying well." ( cnn.com )

Why Have Sex? To Fend Off Parasites

Why Have Sex? To Fend Off Parasites. Since Darwin’s time, biologists have tried to understand the advantages of sexual reproduction. This is not trivial because there are clear disadvantages to sex.

Unlike sexual organisms, asexuals do not need a partner to reproduce, can reproduce clonally, and can produce twice as many female offspring. If there were no advantages to sex, and both sexual and asexual individuals were competing for resources, the asexuals would take over in only a few generations.

Despite this, most eukaryotic organisms reproduce sexually, and the great mystery is that mixed sexual-asexual populations do occur in nature.

For over 20 years, this enigma has been explored by my advisor, Curtis Lively at Indiana University and his students and colleagues. Our lab has found support for a hypothesis that sex is beneficial in parasite-rich environments.

The Red Queen Hypothesis
The Red Queen Hypothesis proposes that virulent parasites adapt to infect genetically common hosts, preventing asexuals from becoming too abundant (common is bad). Sex produces genetically unique individuals that can avoid infection (rare is good), and are thus favored by natural selection.

The hypothesis is named after a passage in Lewis Carroll’s “Through the Looking Glass”. The Red Queen and Alice run over hills and valleys, but always remain in the same place. Likewise, according to the hypothesis, genetic change in a population is necessary to maintain the status quo. Frequencies of asexual hosts increase (hills) and decrease (valleys) in response to parasite adaptation, while sexual hosts can avoid these coevolutionary ups and downs.

Ultimately, these dynamics over generations prevent an asexual take-over and maintain the coexistence of asexuals and sexuals.

Adaptation of local parasites
Potamopyrgus antipodarum is a New Zealand freshwater snail that reproduces either sexually or clonally, and does not switch modes during its lifetime. As a population, the snails can be asexual or mixtures of asexual and sexual individuals.

In 1987, while comparing mixed snail populations with entirely asexual populations, Lively found the former were more heavily infected by a sterilizing worm parasite. This was the first hint that a high rate of parasite infection in the snail population promotes coexistence of sexual and asexual populations.

Since then, several experiments have shown these parasites are better able to infect snails from the same lake than from different lakes. This suggests parasites are adapted to better infect snails only in the local mixed population, a prediction of the Red Queen Hypothesis.

The association between parasite adaptation and sexual reproduction in snails led me, Lively, and our collaborators Lynda Delph and Jukka Jokela to investigate such a pattern within Alexandrina and Kaniere lakes in New Zealand.

In each lake, sexual snails and parasites are common in shallow-water margins, and deep habitats (more than four meters depth) are dominated by uninfected asexuals. We hypothesized that sexuals had an advantage in the shallow due to coevolving parasites, but not in the deep where parasites are absent.

However, an alternative explanation is that the shallow-water snails are susceptible, in general. We had to determine whether shallow-water snails were susceptible specifically to local, same-lake parasites or to all parasites, regardless of location. The Red Queen would predict the former because the local parasites would have the best opportunity to coevolve with the snails.

Parasites are abundant in shallow water because of the foraging behavior of ducks, the final host in the parasite’s life cycle.

Parasite larvae must be ingested by ducks to complete their life-cycle (ducks accidentally eat the infected snails). Ducks do not forage in deep habitats, so parasites can only complete their life cycle in shallow habitats. It seems there is more selection on the snails and parasites in the shallow since in the deep, snails and parasites rarely encounter each other.

Our experimental design was simple: take shallow and deep-water snails and expose them to parasites collected from the same and different lakes. We found two interesting results.

First, shallow-water snails were more infected by same-lake parasites than were deep-water snails, suggesting parasites coevolve only with snails in the shallow habitats. Deep-water snails do not partake in the coevolutionary interactions just meters away.

Secondly, neither shallow nor deep-water snails were susceptible to different-lake parasites. Therefore, only local (i.e., coevolving) parasites, not parasites from just anywhere, can infect shallow snails.

Common is bad, rare is good
From our experiment, we found support for the Red Queen hypothesis and demonstrated its application to small spatial scales in nature. We showed that parasites are adapted to the snail populations where sexuals and asexuals coexist in shallow water.

In a related study, Lively and Jokela demonstrated that as parasites adapt to infect asexual snails in the shallow water, they indeed favor sex as predicted by the Red Queen Hypothesis. Snails that were genetically common and highly infected by parasites were rare. Snails that were genetically uncommon, and previously resistant to parasites, became common and infected. All the while, sexual snails persisted in the shallow water. This was the first time anyone demonstrated that Red Queen dynamics maintained sexual reproduction.

Despite the costs of sexual reproduction, it seems to have use against parasites. Sexual organisms are genetically rare, and consequently, parasites cannot adapt to them. Evidence from the New Zealand snails show that parasite adaptation to infect common asexual individuals prevents asexuals from eliminating sexuals from the population.

More research in other organisms with both reproductive modes would greatly benefit our understanding of the advantages to sex and the dynamics underlying asexual-sexual coexistence. [ livescience.com ]

Mistakes Newlyweds

Mistakes Newlyweds. Four words no one wants to hear soon after his or her wedding day: "We made a mistake." I'm talking about financial choices, not your choice of spouse. Unfortunately, many newlyweds set themselves up for failure soon after they say "I do." If you bring bad money habits to your marriage or fail to come up with a plan to merge your financial lives, you could potentially doom your relationship to money trouble and endless arguments. That's not exactly "happily ever after."

On the other hand, nothing says "I love you" like the desire to start your marriage on the right financial foot (roses, schmoses). Here are six common pitfalls that trip up new couples. Steer clear of these, and you'll decrease the money tension and increase the harmony in your new life together.

1. Keeping money secrets

Money is one of the most common sources of arguments in a marriage, so it's best to simply avoid the subject altogether, right?

Wrong! Some of the most heated arguments stem from failing to discuss financial backgrounds, expectations and attitudes from the start. Communication is key to the survival of any relationship, and baring your financial soul to your partner is no exception.

Ideally, you want to have this conversation before walking down the aisle. After all, there are good marital surprises ("I didn't tell you I'm a gourmet chef?") and bad surprises ("I didn't tell you I have $20,000 in credit card debt?"). Full disclosure is in order here, and that includes your shoe fetish or gambling habit.

2. Not having a budget

Now that you're settling into your new life together, it's time to discuss the B-word. No, not "baby" -- I mean "budgeting." You're merging two spending habits and two saving habits into one household. So even if you had a budget when you were single (pat on the back), you've got to make a new one with your husband or wife to include his or her income, debts and monthly expenses. That will help to ensure you have enough money left over for that other B-word: "Bahamas."

Your first step is to write down your fixed expenses, such as rent, car payments, insurance premiums and student-loan payments. You should also make a habit of contributing to your savings or investments as if you were paying a fixed bill each month. Then write down your flexible expenses, such as utility and phone bills, transportation costs, groceries, trips to the ATM and miscellaneous purchases. Track your spending for a couple of months to see where your money really goes, then find the spending leaks and plug them. Building a budget is a great way to set common spending and saving goals, identify problems and work together to fix them.

3. Giving one person the financial reins

The honeymoon's over, and it's time to get down to the nitty-gritty of the daily finances. Who will physically pay the bills, monitor the investments and crunch the tax numbers? One person may be more inclined toward these tasks, or you may decide to split the responsibility or trade off each month.

There's nothing wrong with letting one person take over the family finances, as long as both partners are OK with that decision. But that doesn't mean the other partner should be excluded. It's important for each person not only to feel involved in the big financial decisions but also to have an understanding of the day-to-day finances. Each of you needs to know both partners' account information, passwords and bill due dates in case anything were to happen to the other person.

And no matter how you divide the responsibility, it's a good idea to have a regular "money date" each month or so to make sure you're both in the loop. You should go over your budget, review your savings progress and discuss upcoming expenses. How's that for keeping the romance alive?

Also, if you choose to combine your finances after you wed, make sure that major purchases and savings accounts are held in both of your names so that each of you has equal access and can maintain a credit rating. You don't want to find out in the event of a divorce that your name wasn't actually on the car title or savings accounts. Considering keeping separate accounts? Read "New his-and-her banking."

4. Dragging debt down the aisle

What's his is hers, and what's hers is his. Whether you decide to combine your finances or maintain separate accounts, if one of you brought debt into the marriage, it becomes a problem for both of you. You'll need to work together on a plan to pay it off. However, you should never officially commingle your debt. Doing so could hurt the credit scores of the other partner and make it difficult for one or both of you to get credit later. Keep existing credit card and loan accounts in the original holder's name.

If you can help it, it's best to avoid beginning your marriage in the red. Many newlyweds make the mistake of going too far into debt to pull off the wedding of their dreams, go on an exotic honeymoon or buy new furniture and appliances. Before you dig too deep a hole, you should sit down together to determine which expenses are necessary and which are worth a splurge -- and come up with a plan to pay for it all before you spend it.

5. Sweating the small stuff

Marriage is about compromises and simply letting some things slide. So she squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle, and he doesn't put his socks in the hamper. Big deal. You'll both soon learn to pick your battles and save your energy for issues that really matter.

That goes for picking your money battles, too. I remember my first financial argument with my husband. We had been married two weeks, and we were doing our grocery shopping together. He wanted to buy the brand-name chocolate chips, and I felt strongly that we should save 75 cents and go with the off-brand chips. After a lengthy and heated exchange, we divided up the rest of the shopping list so we wouldn't have to look at each other for the rest of our outing. Then we drove home in a huff. Lesson learned: Never go grocery shopping when you're hungry, tired and irritable. Oh, wait. Financial lesson learned: Don't sweat the small stuff. Was the argument really worth 75 cents? No way.

Of course, if all the little stuff is adding up to a big drain on your finances and causing you to live beyond your means, bring it up at your next money date and work together to find ways you can both cut back. (Ah, there's that compromise idea again.)

But take note: It's important that you build a little "mad money" into your budget for each person to spend at his or her own discretion. (Can you imagine asking your spouse for permission every time you wanted to buy a cappuccino and a muffin or grab a drink with some friends after work?) But as far as the big stuff goes, make it a rule to consult each other on major purchases. You don't want to come home and unexpectedly find a new Mercedes in the driveway -- and the bill that goes with it.

By the way, I now go grocery shopping alone. We decided as a couple it's what's best for our marriage.

6. Failing to plan for an emergency

No one likes to think about bad things happening, but in all the excitement of your engagement, planning your wedding and moving in together, it's easy to overlook this important aspect of financial planning. One of the best gifts you and your spouse can give each other is financial security and protection from life's storms.

First, assess your emergency stash of cash. Every couple should have enough money available to cover from three to six months' worth of living expenses. You never know when the car will break down, one of you will lose a job or you'll have an unexpected medical bill. Need ideas? See MP Dunleavey's column "Why I'm saving up $15,000 this year." If that figure seems out of reach, start here: "Why you need $500 in the bank."

Then you need to make sure you have adequate insurance coverage, including health, auto, renters or homeowners insurance and possibly life insurance. Learn more about the types of insurance everyone should have and how to get the appropriate coverage.
Did you get married without a prenuptial agreement? It's not too late to protect the financial interests each partner brought to the marriage. Consider drafting a post-nup with your lawyers. Plus, make sure you each have written a will to divide your assets in the event of your death or your spouse's. [ msn.com ]

Regaining Control Of Your Own Health And Comfort

Regaining Control Of Your Own Health And Comfort. With more than one in five American adults currently diagnosed with the condition, arthritis is the most common cause of disability in the United States today. But joint and arthritic pain don't have to bring your life to a standstill.

In addition to the treatments recommended by your doctor — which commonly include dieting and exercising — there are several short-term measures you can take to manage pain, reduce inflammation and slow down joint damage. Here are six self-help tips to aid you in regaining control of your own health and comfort.

Take a warm shower

The humidity, heat and soothing flow of water on the body can relieve stiffness and encourage more comfortable movement of your joints. Experts often recommend a warm shower in the morning for arthritis patients, since the body may feel particularly inflexible after remaining still over the course of a night's sleep.

Get in the pool!

Exercises such as jogging and even isometrics are usually not recommended since they increase impact and pressure on painful joints. Swimming, however, can be excellent for those with knee and hip disease. The body's natural buoyancy leaves no weight on the joints, and your motion in the pool is facilitated by the water's gentle assistance.

Stretch while seated

Periods of inactivity, such as being seated for a long performance or an extended family meal, can lead to uncomfortable stiffness. Adjust your position often: Shift your weight, turn your head from side to side, allow your legs to bend and stretch. Gentle stretches can relieve soreness and help prevent that rigid feeling in your joints.

Use heat or cold treatments

If you're wondering whether heat or cold is good for addressing arthritic pain, the answer is that both can be effective. Warming treatments can relax your muscles; you can use either dry or moist heat. One nice trick is to warm up clothes in a dryer before putting them on. Cold treatments, such as applying a cold pack or a bag of frozen vegetables to a sore area, can bring relief by numbing the area and reducing the swelling caused by a flare-up.

Incidentally, some topical creams known by physicians as counterirritants contain ingredients like menthol and eucalyptus oil, which make the skin feel hot or cold. They don't actually do anything to help your joints, but the temperature change on your skin can temporarily distract you from arthritic pain.

Brace against pain with a splint

Ask your doctor about using a splint to support painful joints. Like a cast around a broken bone, temporary splints can give swollen joints a rest so that inflammation can subside. Splints for the wrist and hand are common, but they're also available for ankles and feet.

Turn pain relief into a social activity

Health experts have found that arthritis sufferers who add an enjoyable social component to their self-help regimens are more likely to maintain good habits for a longer time. There are some 46 million Americans currently diagnosed with arthritis — including half the population aged 65 or older — so you're not alone! One option is to find a local chapter of the Arthritis Foundationand join a self-help program. Also, ask your physician how getting your spouse involved can help you improve muscle strength and keep pain in check. [ focusonfeelingbetter ]

" Consult your doctor before making any changes to diet or exercise "

Yes, Everything Has A Value

Yes, Everything Has A Value. My uncle and I were engaging in some leisurely small talk about the usual topics: what to eat for dinner, how the children were growing, the odd weather we've been having lately, and of course, the severe vulture shortage in India.

"It really has placed the country in quite a pickle," my uncle observed.

I agreed. "What ever will they do for Thanksgiving?"

"It's a vulture shortage, not a turkey shortage," my uncle explained.

"Well, at least they'll have the pickle."

My uncle ignored my wisecrack. "It is a serious, serious, serious affair. Carcasses are littering the streets."

"Vulture carcasses?" I asked, trying to picture cyclists negotiating an obstacle course of knee-high black-feathered mounds.

"No, cow carcasses," my uncle answered.

"Cow carcasses?" I was puzzled. "Cows, don't eat vultures. Er ... do they?

"No." my uncle assured me. "The majority of Indians are Hindus, and they neither eat nor kill cattle. I am sure it is against the law for cows to die. But cows aren't too well versed on legal technicalities, and they go ahead and die just the same. Indians rely on vultures to clean up the mess, mess, mess."

"Why don't they just ship the dead cattle to America? People can't get enough beef there."

"You don't understand," my uncle cried, waving his hands. "Cows are sacred to Hindus. Imagine the sacrilege if McDonald's got their hands on holy Hindu cattle."

"Holy cow!" I exclaimed.

"Everything has a value. Everything is useful," my uncle said.

"Even car alarms that won't shut off?" I asked.

"I mean that without the vultures to eat the rotting cow carcasses, India's environment is getting dirty, dirty, dirty. Hygiene has become as scarce as two-dollar movie passes and disease is banging down the door with a big, loud cow bell," my uncle explained. "Imagine what would happen if America had a similar vulture shortage."

"We have vultures?" I asked?

"Of course we do. We give them gold plated briefcases and law degrees, then we set them free to keep the ambulance population under control."

"Really? How do they do that?" I asked.

"They help accident victims sue each other," my uncle explained. "Imagine for just a minute what would happen if America had a vulture shortage of its own."

I thought about it for a moment. "Wouldn't that be a good thing?"

"No, no, no." My uncle cried. "It would be disaster. It would be horrible. The entire economy would collapse."

"It would?"

"Yes, everything has a value - even lawyers. I know people like to crack cruel jokes about them, and you'll probably throw a jab or two at their expense in your column, but they really are useful."

"They are?" I asked.

"Of course. We rely on the vultures to clean up the rotting ambulance carcasses. Without them, there would be decaying ambulance flesh all over our highways and icy front steps. It would be an environmental disaster. Dirty, dirty, dirty."

"What if we just stop blaming each other?" I wanted to know. "What if, when we slip on ice, we just close our eyes and imagine that it has something to do with the cold weather, rather than a diabolical plot at City Hall to give everybody a sore tushy?"

"Saints alive! Don't pronounce that word in your column. Somebody will surely sue you."

"What word?" I asked.

"Tushy. Yikes! I just said it, too."

"But you also just said that everything has a value, that everything is useful," I countered. "Even tushies. And even vultures. I suppose that means cow carcasses must be useful for something."

"Let's just hope that McDonald's doesn't find out."

Ways to Increase Your Chances of Conception

ways to increase your chances of conception. Most couples spend so many months and years trying not to get pregnant that they assume getting pregnant is what happens the moment they relax. It can be disheartening to realize there's more to babymaking than discontinuing contraception. Here are 10 simple things you can do to stack the pregnancy odds in your favor.

Most couples spend so many months and years trying not to get pregnant that they assume getting pregnant is what happens the moment they relax. It can be disheartening to realize there's more to babymaking than discontinuing contraception. Here are 10 simple things you can do to stack the pregnancy odds in your favor.

1. Eat, drink and make baby

Zinc shortages in men have been linked to lower testosterone levels and sperm counts, so men should consume foods rich in zinc, such as lean meats, eggs, seafood and whole grains. Calcium and vitamin D may improve men's fertility, so drink your milk, Men. And sip that tea, Ladies. According to a 1998 study by Bette Caan at the Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program of Northern California, women who drank more than half a cup of tea per day were seven times as likely to conceive during the three months that the study lasted.

2. Live clean and well

Abstain from alcohol, cigarettes (even second-hand smoke) and medications (prescription, over-the-counter and herbal), and steer clear of toxic chemicals, including household cleaners. Limit your consumption of chocolate and caffeinated sodas, teas and coffees. Excessive exercise and a very low body fat percentage can lead to fertility problems in women, so stay active, but don't overdo it.

3. Stay cool and hang loose

Sperm production is inhibited by overheated testicles, so men are advised to wear breathable boxers and loose-fitting pants, avoid soaking in hot baths or hot tubs and sitting in saunas, and even cut back on bicycling and rough sports.

4. Identify your window of opportunity

You've undoubtedly heard about various remedies to enhance fertility. While it's tempting to swallow those claims, you shouldn't take anything without first consulting your healthcare provider. Frankly, nothing makes a baby more effectively than simply timing intercourse with ovulation.

According to John R Sussman, MD, an ob/gyn in New Milford, Connecticut, and co-author of The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby, babymaking is mainly a numbers game:

You ovulate about 14 days before you get your period. "If your cycle length varies from 24 days to 30 days," says Dr Sussman, "then you can count on ovulating somewhere between Day 10 and Day 16."
An egg only lives for 12 to 24 hours; intercourse after ovulation is usually too late.
Sperm can live up to 72 hours; intercourse as much as three days before ovulation could still result in pregnancy.

Dr Sussman sums it up: "Your window of opportunity opens about three days before the earliest possible ovulation and closes about a day after the latest possible ovulation."

5. Use an ovulation predictor kit

Ovulation Predictor Kits [OPKs] are a great way to maximize your chances of conception, says Dr Sussman. These will help to quickly and accurately detects the increase in luteinizing hormone in your urine (LH Surge), which normally occurs 24 to 36 hours before ovulation. You are most likely to become pregnant if you have intercourse within 36 hours after you detect your LH surge.

Charting and tracking your basal body temperature (BBT) charting is another option recommended by some doctors.

6. See your caregiver

Schedule an appointment for a preconception checkup. Your caregiver will review your family history, make sure you're in good health, and will discuss your current contraceptive method. Many fertility experts recommend that a woman stop taking the birth control pill at least three months before she tries to become pregnant. This way, your cycles can return to normal, allowing you your best chance at achieving pregnancy and helping to more precisely determine gestational age if you do conceive.

If you have not already, you should talk to your caregiver about prenatal vitamins, and if she or he recommends them for you, begin taking them even before you try to conceive.

7. Time the baby dance

Dr Sussman generally recommends intercourse every one to two days within your window of opportunity. "Some people ask whether the sperm count suffers with intercourse every day. While that may be the case for certain men, it's not for all," he says.

A man's testosterone levels and sperm count are highest in the morning, so sex may be most productive then.

8. Choreograph the dancing

Not only does it matter when you have sex; it also matters how. According to some fertility experts, the missionary position (man on top) allows for deepest penetration and can deposit the sperm closest to the cervix.

Similarly, if the woman has an orgasm, her contractions may further carry the sperm into the cervix. Avoid artificial lubricants or oils; petroleum jelly, glycerin and even saliva, which can all kill sperm.

9. Stop babymaking and start lovemaking

When you're "trying," it's easy to let the mechanics of babymaking overshadow the romance of lovemaking. Unfortunately, stress can interrupt normal ovulation cycles in women, kill your sex drive, and can even cause men's testosterone levels and sperm count to drop.

If you want your baby's conception to be a loving and unforgettable experience, be sure you relax enough to enjoy it!

10. Seek help

Though it certainly can, conception doesn't typically happen overnight. So how long should you "try" before seeking intervention?

Many experts suggest waiting about a year after first trying to conceive, depending on your history, age and temperament. Says Dr Sussman, "Couples who have not conceived after three to six months of excellent timing should be offered at least a preliminary evaluation. Then there are couples who clearly haven't mastered timing or aren't in any hurry. They can comfortably wait for a year or more."

Sometimes the mere threat of intervention is enough to make sperm meet egg.

"I knew I would get pregnant as soon as I had that reproductive endocrinologist referral in hand," recalls Kelly Moronko, mother of one with one on the way in Riverside, California. "One week before my appointment I tested positive. I'd bet money that if I check my records the referral was approved the same day I ovulated!"