In the Age of Alternative Reproduction, Who Are a Child's Parents?

In the Age of Alternative Reproduction, Who Are a Child's Parents? - Thanks to modern medicine, more traditional and non-traditional couples and individuals are able to become parents through assisted reproductive methods, including anonymous and known sperm and/or egg donation, surrogacy, and second parent adoption. States have varying laws on sperm donor rights and responsibilities, the legality of surrogate motherhood contracts, recognition of same-sex marriages or civil unions, the need for court-approved adoptions, and whether second parent adoptions are available.

Because there are no reporting requirements by fertility clinics and sperm banks or any identifiers on birth certificates to calculate the number of children who are the product of home-based artificial inseminations, there are no clear statistics on the annual total of children born via sperm and egg donation (or a combination of the two) in the United States.

Commentators estimate the number of people using alternative reproductive technology (ART) to be as low as 5,000 to as high as 60,000 annually. My guess is that the number is at the higher end, if not significantly more, based on the demand for sperm and egg donation, the leaps in science allowing for more successful assisted reproduction rates, infertility issues caused by a delay in starting families (10 to 15 percent of married couples have fertility problems), and the large number of medical and legal entities offering services to facilitate non-traditional means of family planning. And you know something is on the increase when it becomes a huge Hollywood fad -- think "Baby Mama," "The Switch," "The Back Up Plan," and "The Kids Are Alright." (full disclosure -- I have an ART child).

One would think given this increase that there would be legal uniformity as to parental and financial rights and responsibilities. In fact, state legislatures have mostly punted this hot-button issue, declining to readdress the definition of parentage in recent years and instead allowing their judicial systems to render inconsistent verdicts. However, some scholars have begun to take note. For example, in March 2011, the American University Washington College of Law is hosting a conference entitled "The New Illegitimacy: Revisiting Why Parentage Should Not Depend On Marriage."

The inconsistencies create an enormous amount of uncertainty ranging from inheritance rights to child support and visitation. Additionally, there has been an increase in the questionable practice of commercially contracting with foreign surrogate mothers in countries such as India. And what if, for example, a family undergoes alternative family planning in one state but then seeks dissolution of their marriage or union in another that has conflicting definitions of parentage?

And just because one State supports one non-traditional parentage does not necessarily mean that it tolerates another. For example, in Washington, D.C., surrogacy is a felony. On the flip side, in 2010, it became the first jurisdiction to confer the status of legal parent on both lesbian mothers who plan a child using donor insemination, rendering second parent adoption unnecessary.

Some States even have conflicting rules relative to egg and sperm donation because some define genetic mothers as the legal mother but deem a married man the parent of a child conceived from an anonymous sperm donor. In other words, under this scenario, if a married couple used a donor egg and a donor sperm using a surrogate, then the anonymous woman who provided the donor egg is considered the legal mother, but the husband is considered the legal father.

Is your head spinning yet?

A sample of notable state laws and judicial rulings in the past few years reflect how unsettled, inconsistent and controversial the question of parentage is:

• In Pennsylvania, the trial and appellate courts initially forced a sperm donor to pay child support even though the mother was married to someone else at the time of insemination, and he had a contract that was supposed to relieve him of child support obligations. The State's highest court overturned the ruling, stating that the decision in line with the lower courts would undermine the legal status of sperm donors, including anonymous donors at sperm banks, and would force women to seek sperm via sperm banks rather than from men in their acquaintanceship that they admire.

• In Michigan, a married couple with fertility issues contracted with a surrogate mother, who had acted as a surrogate for three other children previously for other women. The resultant twins were produced by fertilizing an egg and a sperm from anonymous donors, so no party shared any DNA with the children. Upon hearing that the wife had a psychological disorder, the surrogate decided to object to legal transfer at the required guardianship hearing. The court sided with the surrogate because Michigan strongly opposes surrogacy contracts and, in fact, deems such contracts as a crime punishable by up to five years in prison as well as fines.

• In California, as well as some other states, if a person or couple is assisted by a licensed medical professional (even if the insemination is done at home), then the sperm donor automatically loses all claim to the child, and if the mother is married, the husband automatically becomes the legal father (assuming he and the mother sign a consent form to that end). But if you do not meet the above criteria, then the donor may assert claims.

• To the contrary, in Florida, the distinction as to where insemination occurs is irrelevant -- donors waive parental rights and responsibilities. Florida also permits surrogate agreements. But before you believe that Florida is at the forefront of tolerance on this matter, note that it does not allow same-sex adoptions.

• Now, contrast that with New York, where contracts regarding sperm donation between a couple and a known sperm donor are generally unenforceable, and the court will only look at the best interests of the child in determining the rights and duties of the donor as opposed to the parties' intent. More recently, although the state's highest court granted "legal parent" status to a non-biological mother to a child born after the couple had entered into a civil union in Vermont, the ruling does not extend to same-sex couples who fail to enter into such unions or same-sex marriage, both of which are unavailable in New York. However, New York's decision to honor Vermont's laws does not mean that other States will do so. Yet unlike Florida, New York allows second parent adoptions.

• In Indiana, the Court of Appeals reversed a trial court's ruling that the legal mother of a child was a non-related surrogate. In that case, a married couple enlisted the wife's sister to carry her child as a gestational surrogate. The court remanded the case back to the trial court with instructions to conduct an evidentiary hearing to determine motherhood based on biological, not gestational relationship. Unlike Michigan, the fact that Indiana law does not recognize the validity of surrogacy agreements was basically ignored.

Additionally, many cases differentiate between anonymous and known donors. But further muddying the waters is the fact that since 2005, many sperm banks offer "ID consent" donors, who have agreed to have their identities released to any resultant offspring when they reach maturity. Banks that handle egg donors have not yet done so, but given the trends one can foresee that possibility. Adding yet another wrinkle is the fact that Donor Sibling Registries are now available -- think about how, for example, that might affect sibling rights to inheritances. Given the existing legal confusion, one can easily imagine future litigation on these points as well without uniform guidance.

The Uniform Parentage Act, last revised in 2002, is a model statute that was created by the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws to serve as a guide for drafting family legislation. It recognizes that as many as five adults can be involved in the production of a single child, and adopted a functional family definition as opposed to one dominated by genetics. With regard to assisted conception, it encourages that States:

• Authorize gestational surrogacy agreements as valid contracts requiring court approval similar to adoptions.

• No longer require that at least one of a child's intended parents be genetically related.

• Recognize that egg and sperm donors are not the legal parents of a child under any circumstances.

Unfortunately, only nine states have adopted versions of the 2002 Act, and for those who did, half have limited the parental rights to opposite sex married couples or declined to include the provisions related to surrogacy. Likewise, the Act does not acknowledge same sex couples, instead defining parents as a "man and woman."

My opinion? Whether you like it or not, families created through alternative reproductive methods are on the rise. States must acknowledge this trend and instead of seeking to prevent their use should enact the following legislation:

• Establish a method to report the offspring produced as a result of ART;

• Uniformly deem enforceable contracts between known sperm and egg donors and recipients and provide guidelines regarding drafting of same;

• Uniformly deem enforceable surrogacy contracts and establish guidelines for judicial approval;

• Create guidelines and clarify parental and sibling legal rights relative to ID Consent donors and Sibling Registries; and

• Adopt a version of the 2002 Uniform Parentage Act that includes a broader definition of parentage to include same sex couples. ( huffingtonpost.com )

READ MORE - In the Age of Alternative Reproduction, Who Are a Child's Parents?

Inside Britain's bedrooms: Do you ever feel as if everyone's having sex apart from you? You are not alone as these poignant and frank diaries reveal..

Inside Britain's bedrooms: Do you ever feel as if everyone's having sex apart from you? You are not alone as these poignant and frank diaries reveal - he Sex Diaries Project, ­journalist Arianne Cohen asked hundreds of ­ordinary British people to record anonymously their intimate sexual thoughts and encounters over one week.

From the unrepentant, adulterous husband to the frustrated grandmother desperate to reignite some passion in her marriage, the diaries offer a truly fascinating glimpse into our private lives and longings.

Not alone: A grandmother, a cheating family man and a 36-year-old divorcee reveal what they are really thinking about all day long

The 52-year-old grandmother from Kent, who yearns for a passionate relationship with her husband — and wishes her daughter’s partner would put on some clothes . . .

FRIDAY

9:23am: Morning diary. Just bumped into my youngest daughter’s partner ‘Adonis’ on the landing, wearing ­nothing but a hand towel and a smile. I swear that boy deliberately flaunts himself to me.

11.45am: From the kitchen I can
see my husband of three decades, Sam, in the garden. If only he tended to my needs as lovingly as he does the hydrangeas.

1.15pm: Family have descended. Nine rounds of sandwiches later, my ­children, their partners and babies are all beginning to disperse.

5.48pm: Roast in the oven. Been thinking about how to reassert myself lately. After so many years of being a shadow, pillow, buffer for my family, I don’t know who I am. I am certainly not the girl in my wedding photo, nor am I an elderly grandma. I want to wear brightly coloured hippy dresses and have sex in fields with Sam like we used to.

10.29pm: Everyone in bed. Maybe Sam is right: perhaps the platonic, respectful friendship we have is OK and I should stop fretting about what we are ­missing and be grateful.

1.36am: Still awake, thinking about how we used to be. We would grab any opportunity to make love . . .

SATURDAY

1pm: Sam and I had a huge row in the shopping centre. We never argue, but somehow it all blew up when I tried to persuade him to buy a shirt in a ­different style and colour to the ones he normally wears.

1.30pm: Cried all the way home. Told Sam how unhappy I am about the lack of passion. He got angry and said he’s never been demonstrative, so why do I suddenly want hearts and ­flowers?

I don’t know what to do. All those memories. I just want a bit of it back, some excitement.

2.38pm: Hanging out laundry. No wonder Sam doesn’t fancy me much these days. When did I start wearing my mother’s knickers?

The new Bridget Jones: These candid diaries include a 52-year-old who is perhaps a little too close to her daughter's partner

SUNDAY

11.17am: Adonis wandered into the kitchen wearing jeans and no shirt, kissed my hair and said: ‘Love you.’

He is texting me all the time, too — just jokey ­banter. I don’t tell Sam because I don’t want to cause trouble. Much as I’m fond of him, it’s a bit over the top.

MONDAY

10.35am: Getting ready for a party with old schoolfriends. We pretend to be ­philosophical about the passage of time, but for a special occasion like this we all diet, wax, shop and vie for who least looks their age.

11.56am: All dressed up. Adonis tells me I ‘look the business’.

12.54pm: Sam just asked what I’m going to wear to the do. I’m sitting here in full regalia.

TUESDAY

4.12pm: Spent the afternoon with my best mate, who lost an old friend last night. Makes my little squabbles and irritations seem pathetic and selfish.

8.17pm: Writing this diary has made me face up to feelings I have been burying for years.

I want Sam to know what he has to do without me spelling it out for him: I want him to take me in his arms and tell me he can’t survive without me, and make love to me as if I am the most ­precious thing in his life. ­

Everything we need to get it back is still there; I just need to work out how to reach it.

Some of this is my fault. When the children came along I became totally focused on them. It’s not that I don’t think about sex any more, I just seem to have lost that part of me.

WEDNESDAY

Holiday romance: Couples have more sex during a one week break than two months at home

4.30pm: Sam emailed me while I was out, to say he has booked a weekend away for the two of us! I am delighted — maybe he ­listened more than I thought.

Oh, and Adonis has texted me to tell me what a beautiful woman I am. There is definitely ­something weird about that boy.

8.57pm: Writing this diary has been an enlightening experience. My husband is deserving of so much more than I have given him for many years, and I ­promise this will change.

The cheating family man, 41, from London.

WEDNESDAY

8.04am: On my way to work. Wondering if the women on the train see me as The Fat Middle-Aged Man or The Older Man With Experience. Reality says former; fantasy says latter.

10.30am: Sales meeting. After months out of work, my self-esteem is back on top. Home dynamics have changed for the better, too.

12.10pm: Text from Janie asking if I’d like to see her tomorrow. Sex with my wife Jacqueline has decreased since the children, but junk sex — the kind of sex I have with Janie and others — has increased. Struggle to feel guilty.

THURSDAY

11.54am: Rachael in Outsourcing wearing a new outfit and her boobs look huge. Have to stop myself staring.

12.30pm: Took up Janie’s ­invitation. Sex at lunchtime always feels naughty, but even more so when you really should be working. Paranoid that everyone in the office knows.

8pm: Back home. Everything considered, I feel happy in my life. My wife and I could live without each other, but neither of us without the children.

FRIDAY

5.10pm: A co-worker said you can’t love your partner if you’re having sex with someone else. Does that mean every time you think about sex with someone else that you don’t love your ­partner? And what about ­emotions?

A year ago, a friend said she believed we were having an emotional affair. Our mutual friend thought that was worse than things ­getting physical.

9.15pm: My plan is to be married for ever. Jac is the only one I have ever considered spending my life with. I can’t say I’ll stop sleeping with other women, though. That would be breaking a 26-year habit.

'Took up Janie's ­invitation. Sex at lunchtime always feels naughty, but even more so when you really should be working. Paranoid that everyone in the office knows'

SATURDAY

10.05am: My taste in women has aged with me. There is something very sexy about women in their 30s and 40s.

A while ago, I had sex with a woman of 62 and was amazed by the great shape her body was in. Yet when I was 20, I thought sex stopped at 40.

7.27pm: Been to ­football. In good books by bringing home ­dinner and flowers.

10.15pm: Looking at saucy snaps of a former girlfriend and me on a beach that I keep under lock and key. Is old home-made porn grounds for divorce?

SUNDAY

7.08am: Sitting with the children watching cartoons. I wouldn’t swap this for anything.

7.15am: The children bring huge joy, but take away all free time and any chance of ­bedroom spontaneity. That’s possibly one reason why NSA (no strings attached) sex appeals.

I’m not suggesting my children are responsible for anything I do ­sexually, but the restrictions they bring certainly emphasise ­forbidden fruit.

MONDAY

11.04pm: Jac and I come home slightly tipsy after supper with friends. With the children asleep upstairs, we make love on the sofa. We giggle and freeze at every creak of a floorboard. Thank goodness for stair gates.

TUESDAY

10am: Call from my best friend. There isn’t much he doesn’t know. Obviously, I wouldn’t tell him I’d like to sleep with his wife, though.

5.40pm: On my way home. A girl in shiny leggings presents me with a flyer for a lap dancing venue. Lap dancing doesn’t do it for me. I find the mock conversation and fakeness annoying.

11.17pm: I have nothing left to confess. I think about sex ­constantly, I take risks too often, but I love my wife and children. I’m pretty confident that in doing so, I represent the vast majority.

The 36-year-old divorcee from London struggling to cope with a keen new boyfriend after 12 years of marriage.

SUNDAY

6.30am: Woke early this morning with that familiar ache: the ­disbelief that my ­husband of more than a decade is not here, but is with someone else. I want it all back — even though I know it wasn’t working.

Got all glammed up for a night out. My husband looked up and asked me what I was going to wear

10am: Boyfriend has called twice, full of enthusiasm about us. We’ve been together a year, but it’s on and off.

10.15am: Just told my housemate I’m not sure about Boyfriend. Her response: ‘You could do a lot worse.’ I know I could. It’s wonderful to be loved. But I don’t love him.

12.29pm: I miss my ­husband, but the reality is our arguments are over, our fingers are bare, our bed’s empty, our stuff is in storage and our friendship is dangling by a thread.

Neither of us has found anyone else who makes them laugh as much.

11pm: Dreams don’t help. All I can remember from last night’s is telling someone: ‘Don’t ­sacrifice your marriage, not for anything.’ I woke up next to Boyfriend and felt miserable.

MONDAY

7.35am: Seeing Boyfriend later on. I keep telling him we might not last, but he doesn’t listen.

10am: Trying to work, but every day I hope my husband is going to call and say he wants me back. I miss looking at him, hugging him. I really miss him physically. Which is amazing considering how much I pushed him away when we were together.

11am: Boyfriend called to ­confirm tonight. I know I should just enjoy his company and the sex. The only ­problem is that I’m not ready for it.

12.43pm: Only 18 months ago I had my own home in the ­countryside, a husband and a decent job. Now, I’m in a cramped house-share in London.

9pm: Boyfriend arrives. I need to get hammered and drag him out for a dinner of ­peanuts and beer.

TUESDAY

8.04am: Boyfriend just left and I feel sick. Because of the ­peanuts–and-beer dinner, but also because I have been awash in a pool of gushy, soppy pillow talk for the past 12 hours, with only a brief pause for sex.

He knows I hate it.

10.30am: Feel guilty, so have ­suggested he comes round again tonight. This is the never-ending cycle. If I am not sure he’s right for me, I should face up to it ­ending, but I just can’t stand being on my own.

WEDNESDAY

2.29pm: Boyfriend just left. I was feeling reluctant to have any intimacy because my head was all over the place (guilt, guilt). But I realised the thing I like about this bubble of a ­relation-ship is I can just switch off my thoughts and worries and let my body take over.

Play around: 14 per cent of men over 60 have cheated on their current partner

Once his mushy talking stops, it’s just physical between us, very animal and utterly blissful.

8.59pm: Husband just rang up for a chat. That hasn’t ­happened for a long time. I feel... challenged. I think that’s the best way to describe it.

10.26pm: It’s really amazing how contact from him slings me up in the air and then slams me into the ground.

10.27pm: Confidence: lost.

THURSDAY

10.10am: Thinking through last night’s call. A couple of things my husband said remind me he can be a bully. And childish. I’ve grown out of his nonsense. I just have to wait for my emotions to catch up, I suppose.

2pm: Emails today from Boyfriend, plotting fun things to do. And my husband has sent two emails. Maybe he’s missing me.

SATURDAY

10.56am: I really feel better about my husband since the phone call. Must see if it lasts. We might go out for an evening this weekend.

Perhaps my stupid hope won’t pop up this time: that he’ll drop to his knees, declare great changes and undying love, and put my wedding ring back on. It took balls to get out of that ­marriage and admit defeat.

SUNDAY

5:14pm: Went to a meet-the-author event at my local bookshop.

Lots of jaded singles there laughing at themselves. Quite interesting hearing the rubbish some people have gone through.

Boyfriend is a pretty good catch, judging by some of their stories. Or at least a guy who will see me through this part of life.

7pm: My husband cancelled our date tonight. Quite glad. I’m still confused, but think things are getting clearer. ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Inside Britain's bedrooms: Do you ever feel as if everyone's having sex apart from you? You are not alone as these poignant and frank diaries reveal..

Marriage, the key to a better life

Marriage, the key to a better life: Study finds tying the knot means improved health and longer life expectancy - Marriage cheers you up, improves your diet and helps you live longer, researchers say.

It brings better mental and physical health, reducing the chance of premature death by 15 per cent, according to major studies in seven European countries.

And the longer a marriage lasts the more the rewards accumulate – the only catch being that the relationship has to be loving and supportive.

John Gallacher, a Cardiff University academic who reviewed the European studies, said the happily married were more likely to eat healthily, have more friends and take better care of each other.

Commitment cure: Marriage can improve your mental and physical wellbeing, studies have found

‘Marriage and other forms of partnership can be placed along a sliding scale of commitment, with greater commitment conferring greater benefit,’ he added.

‘That marriage generally indicates a deeper commitment might explain why marriage is associated with better mental health outcomes than cohabiting. Cohabiting relationships tend to be less enduring. The most widely accepted explanation is that being in a committed relationship means better social support is available.

‘Commitment seems to provide networks of supportive and helpful relationships, beginning with the spouse or partner, leading to more healthy lifestyles and better emotional and physical health.’

The research findings were reviewed by Dr Gallacher and his doctor son David in an editorial for the British Medical Journal.

Many married couples are often unaware of the advantages, they said, but a study of one billion ‘person years’ in seven countries found husbands and wives were 10-15 per cent less likely to die prematurely than the population as a whole.

Analysis of 148 studies of social relationships found their legal status and the amount of emotional support involved were linked to death rates, with marriage coming out on top. There is no evidence available to judge the health of people in civil partnerships, said Dr Gallacher.

Evidence shows the optimal time for men to marry seems to be after the age of 25, whereas for women it is between 19 and 25 years, he said, adding: ‘In terms of physical health, men benefit more from being in a relationship than women, but in terms of mental health women benefit more than men.

‘The physical health premium for men is likely to be caused by their partner’s positive influence on lifestyle.

‘The mental health bonus for women may be due to a greater emphasis on the importance of the relationship in women.’

The advantages keep growing over time, with studies followed up for 30 years showing longer relationships are linked to better mental health.

Advantages: Married people were found to be less likely to die prematurely

The difference in mortality rates in favour of marriage also increases with age, said Dr Gallacher.

But he warned that difficult and strained relationships were bad for mental health, and being single was better than being in a strained relationship.

‘The take home message is simple. Exclusive and supportive relationships confer substantial mental and physical health benefits that grow over time,’ he added.

‘Although failure of a relationship can harm health, that is an argument for avoiding a bad relationship rather than not getting into a relationship at all.

‘On balance, it is probably worth making the effort,’ he said.

Last year, a World Health Organisation study revealed marriage could reduce the risk of anxiety and depression and those who tied the knot were much less likely to suffer the blues than those who stayed single. ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Marriage, the key to a better life

How to guide girls - Raising daughters can be daunting

How to guide girls - Raising daughters can be daunting – but a new book of the collected wisdom of teachers from more than 200 leading girls’ schools will help parents negotiate the minefields

When it comes to raising offspring, do parents today need more help with their daughters? The Girls’ Schools Association certainly thinks so.

“Parents are particularly anxious about raising daughters as there are greater pressures on girls,” says Dr Helen Wright, headmistress of St Mary’s Calne, president of the GSA, and the mother of two daughters (and one son). “There are social pressures in terms of celebrity culture, for instance, or their appearance, or the conflict women have about their role in life.”

According to Dr Hunt, parents are increasingly turning to schools for advice and wisdom. “With the break-up of the extended family network, parents simply don’t know where to turn. We’ve seen a huge increase in the past 10 years of parents coming into school and asking about parenting issues. Schools and families need to work together to bring up children.”

Which is how the new book, Your Daughter: a Guide for Raising Girls, came about. The practical manual, written by the head teachers and staff from more than 200 leading girls’ schools, deals with everything from family and friends to tantrums and tattoos. Here, we select the GSA’s most pertinent advice when it comes to raising a thoroughly modern 21st‑century girl.

The new tearaway Trinians: Gemma Arterton and Sarah Harding in St Trinian's 2

ALCOHOL

Most parents are worried about their children coming into contact with drugs, but the real social evil is alcohol. With spirits retailing at less than £10 in supermarkets, most teenagers can afford to pick up a bottle with their pocket money. Fake IDs are routine, and there is usually an older teen around to effect the transaction.

The prevalence of alcopops has taken away one of the greatest bars on teenage drinking – the taste; most young teenagers don’t like beer, wine or cider. Alcopops, which vary in their alcoholic content, go down like fizzy drinks, and can act as an entry level to harder spirits. It is no surprise that teenage drinking is now a national problem.

For the majority of teenage carousers, however, alcohol isn’t anything serious; it’s just an ever-present favourite motivator for nearly all teenage behaviour: “having a laugh”, appearing “cool”, and being incapable of predicting consequences. If real shock tactics are called for, you could make them stay sober at a party where everyone else is drinking, or video them while under the influence. It’s not funny the next day.

Still, the world of teenage parties and alcohol is one of the most difficult situations that parents face. Children will always try to play parents off against each other, so it is important that you establish good lines of communication between each other, and are clear about – and agree upon – a number of keys issues, namely at what age alcohol will be made available to your child; the amount and type of alcohol that will be provided at a party; and what levels of supervision will be in place throughout.

Limit access to wines and beers (no spirits). Although alcopops, which are popular with girls, blur the spirit/non-spirit divide, at least they are a “measured” drink. A strong, active adult presence at all teenage parties is essential. “Policing” duties range from excluding gatecrashers to being alert to “smuggled in” supplies of alcohol. A minimum of three adults, at a ratio of one adult to 10 teenagers, should provide a good level of supervision and sufficient cover if anything goes wrong.

Alcohol is a normal part of adult society, and it is important that young people learn to drink responsibly. This skill is best taught in the home – it is often suggested that allowing children a small amount of alcohol at home (the French wine-and-water model) can help to deglamorise later drinking at clubs. Most importantly, parents should not underestimate the part that we play as role models to our children. Young people will pay more attention to what we do than to what we say.

Talking to your daughter about alcohol is really important and – like talking about sex – is best introduced from an early age as part of an ongoing conversation about what is right and what is wrong in life.

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS

While every parent would like to shelter their daughter from too much knowledge and experience too soon, it is not possible to protect her forever. Sex and relationship education is recognised as one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high-risk strategy.

We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children.

Sex is so flaunted, it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it as quickly as is reasonably possible. It’s all out there, from the casual acceptance of frequent one‑night stands in Friends to the full-frontal nudity of Sex and the City (the film version, actually rated 15, was the film treat of choice for many 12- to 14-year-olds’ birthday parties on its release).

A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young?

It can be helpful to watch soap operas with them and give your opinion, then listen honestly to theirs. Alternatively, tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences: how did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia? Was X’s abortion really painless and hassle-free? Newspapers are full of stories about “love cheats”, but how did that feel when it happened to you?

Don’t sit down for a two-hour “birds and bees” session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can, and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex, but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than otherwise.

Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends is important to them. But, as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together.

Still, don’t give them too much time alone together — parents have real responsibilities here.

PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS

Whether it is done at a high-end boutique or with a needle and a box of matches in the school loos, girls are eager to engage in rites of passage such as ear-piercing or tattooing. As we encourage our daughters to become independent thinkers, objecting on the grounds of our own personal preference is unlikely to hold much sway.

A recent consultation with a group of sixth-form girls showed common sense and a considerable consensus on basic issues. Asked about her piercings, one teenager said: “Parents shouldn’t forbid it. I was forbidden from getting certain bits of my ears pierced, so obviously I went and got them done as soon as I could at a festival – a really bad idea.”

As a parent, you could set a reasonable period of time, perhaps six months, to test your daughter’s resolve before she gets it done, but ultimately helping to ensure hygienic and safe treatment is essential. If things do go wrong, it is better that you know and are involved.

Concentrate on open discussion of facts – for example, that tattoos (especially facial piercings) might deter potential employers; the way in which tattoos blur and spread with age; the scarring that can result from tattoo removal; and the problems that lower back tattoos may cause for pregnant women who need epidurals.

Girls are usually aware that some forms of piercing have a high incidence of infection and can scar, but does your daughter know that a tongue stud may damage the enamel on her teeth, or that infected ear-cartilage piercings usually result in surgery as antibiotics will not work? There are plenty of offputting and gruesome images on the internet.

SOCIAL NETWORKING AND THE INTERNET

The media is full of horror stories of children being harmed. But these events hit the headlines because they are so unusual. Many more children are killed in traffic accidents every hour of every day than as a result of communicating with others on social network websites. However, such stories can give valuable examples of what you and your daughter should be aware of.

Consider whether it is wise to let her have a computer in her bedroom. If she is too young to be left alone at home, she is probably too young to be using the internet without supervision.

Keep your home computer in a public place, preferably with the screen facing into the room, so that it can be seen when passing. Laptops with Wi‑Fi connection make it almost impossible for parents to have any handle on what their daughter is doing on the internet; many parents consider such hardware best suited to the older teenager. Be aware that the majority of mobile phones today are also likely to provide unfiltered access to the internet.

Insist that your children do not share personal information, such as their full name, address, phone numbers, full date of birth or passwords, with people they meet online.

Stay involved: look at her and her friends’ Facebook page, and check the computer’s history (the log of websites visited). You could remind her that the police say anything on the internet is public, that malicious gossip is a serious offence, and that teachers and employers check these sites.

Above all, keep talking to her, about your concerns as well as possible threats to her safety. Once she is in her mid‑teens, peer pressure will be the greatest influence in her life, so any lecturing from you could be counter‑productive.

She needs strategies for managing the risks that are an inevitable part of life so that she can become a confident, competent and successful adult, and use the “wings” you have given her to fly. (.telegraph.co.uk )

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Heartbreak Helps You Find 'The One'

Heartbreak Helps You Find 'The One' - Previous heartbreak is an essential factor in finding "the one", a US psychologist says. Despite the pain of heartbreak, those who have had a previous long-term relationship were at an advantage in the dating world, Dr Gian Gonzaga says.

"Think about all of the things that you do in life where you get better with practice, and a lot of times people don't believe that about relationships," Dr Gonzaga told AAP on Thursday.

Better with practice . . . use your break-up experience to help you find a better partner next time around.

"They feel like once they've been in a relationship that's unsuccessful, they have failed.

"They feel like they're not worthy of love, so they may treat people in a different way that makes it harder to have a better long term-relationship the second time around."

But instead of acting out, the broken-hearted should take a big-picture view of their former long term relationship and learn from it, said Dr Gonzaga, who has written a book on the subject of second-time love. People should think about what factors contributed to the earlier relationship, both positive and negative, and what they should change for next time.

"Also take a look at your former partner and think about what was it that they were missing, or you needed to have in a partner that you didn't know."

Dr Gonzaga also advised looking at the relationship in context and considering all the external factors that contributed to the breakdown. It really is about using the knowledge that you have be better, smarter at picking out the right partner and doing the right things in relationships," he said.

"It's not that people don't realise this - a lot of people take a lot of individual lessons, but very few people put all of them together."

He said while many people find looking for new love a daunting task, they shouldn't lose heart. Dr Gonzaga, who is based in California, is visiting Australia this week. His book, Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love That Lasts, is available now. ( AAP )

READ MORE - Heartbreak Helps You Find 'The One'

Why Married Men Are Less Antisocial

Why Married Men Are Less Antisocial - A good marriage civilizes men. At least, that's what it looks like, since fewer married men are antisocial. Married men are more responsible, less aggressive, less likely to do something illegal and more mentally healthy than single ones.Jane Eyre and Failure To Launch. But it's never been clear whether it's the marriage that makes men antisocial or whether fewer antisocial men get married. This has been documented in a bunch of studies and chronicled in such great works of art as

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry suggests it's both. S. Alexandra Burt, a behavioral geneticist at Michigan State University, looked at 289 genetically identical male twins to ascertain what difference getting hitched made to these otherwise very similar men.
"Our results indicate that the reduced rate of antisocial behavior in married men is more complicated than we previously thought," said Burt. "Marriage is generally good for men, at least in terms of reducing antisocial behavior, but the data also indicates that it's not random who enters into the state of marriage."

The study, which looked at the twins when they were 17, 20, 24 and 29, found that men who had fewer antisocial behaviors at 17 and 20 were more often married by 29. Once the men had gotten hitched, their antisocial activities decreased even more. That is, the married twin was less likely to be doing something obnoxious than the unmarried twin.

So it's chicken and egg: men who are less antisocial get married and then become even more civilized after they get a wife.
Of course, Burt acknowledges, this may not be the marriage talking. It may be that a guy who has a wife doesn't hang out with his ne'er-do-well friends so much or that he's learned, by dating, to bond better. Or that he knows that if he drives drunk/gets in a fight/gets arrested again and manages to escape unscathed, his wife will kill him. Which leads to a different question, how much is the fact that we are getting married later contributing to, or a factor of, our prolonged adolescence? ( time.com )

READ MORE - Why Married Men Are Less Antisocial

Lots of sex is not necessarily a prerequisite for a happy marriage

Lots of sex is not necessarily a prerequisite for a happy marriage. But apparently, if you are neurotic or the spouse of a neurotic, it really, really helps. That's the conclusion of a new study out of the University of Tennessee that followed 72 newlyweds for four years.

People who are neurotic — those who tend to view life as a state invented so that bad things could happen to them — make substandard marital partners. It makes sense: if you judge all your experiences negatively, you're not only going to dislike marriage but you're going to be a downer to live with. “High levels of neuroticism are more strongly associated with bad marital outcomes than any other personality factor,” said Michelle Russell and James McNulty, authors of the new study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Russell and McNulty checked in with the 72 newly married couples every six months, asking them to rate their marital happiness, and the amount of sex they were having. They found that on average, couples reported rolling in the hay about once a week during the first six months of marriage, and about three times a month by the fourth year of marriage. For many couples, the decline made little difference in how content they felt about their marriage.

For neurotics, however, the figures were a bit different. After the initial honeymoon period, they and their spouses say their marriages did not bring them much joy. But those who maintained a high-frequency sex life had no such issues. "Frequent sex is one way that some neurotic people are able to maintain satisfying relationships," the authors write. The sex seems to make up for the happiness deficit under which neurotics usually labor.

The authors speculate that the gladdening effect could be because of the oxytocin and endogenous opioids that are released during sex. Some of McNulty's former studies suggest that copulating often improves wives' body image, thereby boosting both partners' marital satisfaction. Copious sex can also mitigate the effects of attachment disorder in a marriage. ( time.com)

READ MORE - Lots of sex is not necessarily a prerequisite for a happy marriage

Fertility rate here drops to new low

Fertility rate here drops to new low - - The bottom is falling out of Singapore's fertility rates - After inching to a record low of 1.22 babies per resident female in 2009, the Total Fertility Rate slumped to 1.16 last year based on preliminary estimates, taking the resident population further away from its natural replacement rate of 2.1 babies.

The figure was disclosed by Deputy Prime Minister Wong Kan Seng at an Institute of Policy Studies forum yesterday.

Sociologists MediaCorp spoke to were not surprised by the news.

Besides the fact that Singapore was coming out of an economic downturn, National University of Singapore Associate Professor Paulin Straughan suggested that the national agenda last year was not conducive for child bearing.

"The focus on the Budget debate was on productivity ... There was nothing on family issues," said the Nominated Member of Parliament.

"People are looking at policy direction. Of course, some may think, it's a personal choice, but that's missing the point. When you make decisions, whether it's investing in family or in work ... that individual has finite resources. If I'm going to plan for productivity, how am I going to find the time to plan for a family?

"As a sociologist, I argue that you can't separate the private and the public."

Birth rates here have often been linked with cost of living issues, and Nanyang Technological University sociologist Kwok Kian Woon surmised that parents would look at the resources needed, "especially for children to succeed in Singapore society".

As to what that says about the Government's Marriage and Parenthood package, he said the incentives were "either not working as effectively as one might hope, or that they may be working, in that, theoretically, if not for them, the rate could be lower".

While there should not be an over-reliance on these incentives, Assoc Prof Straughan agreed that the cost of raising a family "can't be so high", for instance, if a 25-year-old wants to get married.

She is hopeful, though, that the fertility rate will not drop further this year.

"Economic optimism is a big factor, and a lot of things are looking up for young couples, for example, the arrest in spiralling housing prices, positive figures on economic growth, stable jobs and so on," she said.

"This may allow Singaporeans to feel like they're not living on the edge and they can afford to look at investing in their personal family life." ( todayonline.com )

READ MORE - Fertility rate here drops to new low

Solve Premature Ejaculation With These Tips

Solve Premature Ejaculation With These Tips - Worrying that they climax too soon is one of the most common problems men write to me about so for starters it may reassure you to know that the average man lasts for just five minutes of full sex.

I realise that if you barely get started before you climax, five minutes may sound wonderful, but at least it should reassure you that few men are lasting for hours, which is the impression given by lots of sex films and pornography.

If you're lasting for five minutes or so, you definitely shouldn't see yourself as having a serious problem with premature ejaculation, but you may still feel that being able to last longer would improve the quality of your love-making.

Don't worry ... solve premature ejaculation with these tips

Those who barely last seconds will almost certainly benefit from some self-help sex therapy.

Starting with the basics, it's obviously not going to help you to have rushed sex with a casual partner.

You need to be able to feel relaxed. You need a partner you feel close to and who also wants to improve the quality of your love-making.

There are many helpful approaches you can try with a loving partner, though a man who hasn't a regular partner can still do quite a lot alone to begin to learn control.

If, when you are making love, you find you climax before you want to, the first essential is that you and your partner feel able to talk about it.

Discuss it, even laugh about it, and then try making love again.

You can show your partner how to help you manage another erection.

The second time around you will almost certainly find that it takes you longer to climax.

Repeating this pattern of love-making often enough can make all the difference. It may take some time but, with frequent intercourse, you will eventually be able to delay your climax.

However, if what's really bothering you is that your partner isn't climaxing during intercourse, it is important to realise that many women find that intercourse is not what leads to orgasm for them.

More commonly, women reach climax through other stimulation, usually manual or oral.

If you can maintain intercourse for several minutes but this doesn't result in orgasm for your partner, you should probably be exploring these other ways.

They're explained in my free leaflet on Women and Orgasm.

If you're sure you really do need to be able to make love longer before climaxing, there is more you can do to help yourself.

Research has shown that men can develop better sexual control practising pelvic muscle exercises.

To do these, when you are passing water, try to stop and start the flow of urine, without using your stomach muscles.

Only try this once a day or you could give yourself problems but, once you have got the hang of it, practise the same movement when you're not going to the loo and repeat that several times a day.

It will take a couple of months before you see the benefits, and you will need to continue these exercises regularly or the new strength in these muscles will be lost.

It also helps to learn to feel in tune with your body's sexual responses through what are called sensate focus exercises.

Set aside some time during which you will not be disturbed. Either in a warm bath, using soap or oil, or in a warm bed using lotion to make your hands glide smoothly, massage your body all over.

Starting with the non-sexual areas, explore every inch, top to toe, discovering what feels particularly and perhaps surprisingly good to you. Then move on to the sexual areas. Find out exactly what pleases you, how and where. Vary your touch.

When you want to, bring yourself to climax.

Pay close attention to the sensations.

Concentrate particularly on the feelings leading up to the point of no return before climax.

When you feel that moment approaching, stop stroking your very sensitive areas, but do not stop caressing yourself in less sensitive spots.

When you feel it is safe, start again. Vary fast and slow strokes, firm and gentle.

In time, you should be able to work up to lasting around 15 minutes.

It helps if you get into the habit of deep, regular breathing, and make sure you keep that up whenever you near the point of no return.

You should aim to repeat these exercises in self-touching at least three times a week for an hour.

You can share them with your partner, if you have one.

Technique

Once you have each learned your own reactions, you can take it in turns to caress and explore one another's bodies.

When you move on to making love with a partner, you can again apply the stop-start technique.

If you feel yourself approaching that point of no return, you should both stop moving until the urge to climax subsides.

Do let your partner know why you may want to stop moving for a few seconds every now and then.

Secrecy just adds to tensions. While you may stop movement in the pelvic area, don't forget all those other pleasurable caresses you have learnt during the sensate-focus exercises, and continue to stroke and pleasure other parts of the body.

Many women find the variety makes sex far more pleasurable.

If tensions in your relationship with your partner or in other areas of your life are getting in the way of your improving the quality of your love life, they can be relieved by talking about them, and if necessary getting the skilled help of a counsellor.

In an emergency, if you're having sex and realise you're going to climax long before you want to and just stopping moving isn't going to be enough to hold you back, pull out and take hold of your penis head around the ridge with your finger and thumb and squeeze hard. This forces your sexual response back a step.

If it's not the moment to pull out, reach behind you and take hold of your testicles.

Pull down firmly so you block the tubes - that holds back your ejaculate. It might be a good idea to practise in private beforehand.

Self-help techniques are the long-term answer but to start with you might like to try condoms such as Durex Performa which have been designed to help men last longer.

Cream

They contain a small amount of anaesthetising cream to delay the man's climax without affecting the woman's sexual responsiveness.

Some men find that sprays available in some chemists and sex shops to densensitise the penis and delay ejaculation help them.

By the way, I know some guys have got the impression that Viagra and similar drugs are cure-alls for just about every male sexual problem.

In fact they are very unlikely to help men suffering from premature ejaculation - and might even make it worse.

Drugs like Viagra have been designed specifically to help men experiencing problems in getting or maintaining an erection.

They are not suitable for all men - and can be dangerous in some circumstances - which is why they are only available in this country on prescription.

So-called Viagra available on the Internet often isn't the real thing, or may be the wrong strength for you.

It's important not to try to self-medicate because research has shown that taking Viagra can damage men's fertility by affecting their sperm. ( thesun.co.uk )

READ MORE - Solve Premature Ejaculation With These Tips

Dieting while pregnant can lower your baby's IQ

Dieting while pregnant can lower your baby's IQ - Expectant mothers who diet during pregnancy are putting their babies at risk of low IQs and behavioural problems, scientists say.

A new study found that cutting back on vital nutrients and calories in the first half of pregnancy stunts the development of an unborn child's brain.

Lack of nutrients interfer with the way brain cells connect in the unborn babies

Although the study was carried out on animals, researchers says the same findings are likely to be true for women - and highlight the lifelong dangers to babies if their mothers don't eat healthily.

Author Dr Thomas McDonald said: 'This study is a further demonstration of the importance of good maternal health and diet.

'It supports the view that poor diets in pregnancy can alter development of foetal organs, in this case the brain, in ways that will have lifetime effects on offspring, potentially lowering IQ and predisposing to behavioural problems.'

Past studies have shown that severe diets, famines and food shortages during pregnancy can harm unborn babies.

But the new study looked at the sort of 'moderate dieting' typical of women in Britain and America.

The researchers compared two groups of baboon mothers at the a primate research centre in San Antonio.

One group was allowed to eat as much as they wanted during the first half of pregnancy - while the other group was fed 30 per cent less - 'a level of nutrition similar to what many prospective mothers' experience, the researchers said.

Cells did not divide as much as they should and connections between neurons were not made.

Lack of nutrients interfered with the way brain cells connected in the unborn babies and altered the expression of hundreds of genes - many involved in cell growth and development, the researchers report in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Dr McDonald said foetal nutrient deficiency was a special risk for both teenage mothers and women who get pregnant later in life.

Pregnant women are advised not to diet if they are pregnant

In teenage pregnancies, the developing foetus can be deprived of nutrients by the needs of the growing mother, he said.

And stiffer arteries in older women reduce blood flow to the womb, reducing the flow of nutrients to the growing baby.

The scientists called for more research into links between maternal diet and their children's risk of autism, depression and schizophrenia later in life.

The study also challenges the widely held view that mothers can protect their unborn babies from poor diets in pregnancy, he said.

The baboon's brain developmental stages are 'very close' to those of human fetuses, the researchers said.

Dr Peter Nathanielsz, of the University of Texas Health Science Centre in San Antonio said: 'This is a critical time window when many of the neurons as well as the supporting cells in the brain are born.'

Guidelines from the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists state: 'There is little evidence of harm in the first half of pregnancy - but in the second half concerns arise.'

However, it still advises women not to diet if they find they are pregnant.

Dr Patrick O'Brien, consultant and spokesman for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists said the study might not apply to women.

'All the studies in humans have not suggested that moderate dieting in the first half of pregnancy causes any problems,' he said.

'Our guidance is unchanged - that pregnant women should eat a healthy mixed diet and should avoid dieting, but also avoid "eating for two",' he added. ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Dieting while pregnant can lower your baby's IQ