Are You a Dear Loving Spouse? - The S word… Yes, it matters. It’s very much a taboo in our culture, except of course when it’s not working. Then, and only then it seems, do people talk about it – after it’s too late. However, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) encouraged his companions to discuss sex – and virtually any matter, no matter how personal – with him. The Prophet himself, while not divulging all aspects of his own sexual life, was known for his nature as a loving husband who was sensitive and physically demonstrative.
In several hadith, he speaks about the importance of foreplay and speaking in loving terms during sexual relations. Again, the concept of mutual satisfaction is elucidated in a hadith, which advises husbands to engage in acts that enable a woman to achieve orgasm first. (Check Ihya ulum-id-din (Revival of Religious Learning) by Imam Ghazali, chapter on Marriage).
It is important for both husbands and wives to be aware and conscious of how we speak, let alone what we say, to one another.
Sexual dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either wife or husband”.
Qualified scholars and experts in this area should be helping our community to discuss and work through issues regarding healthy sexual relations between spouses. It IS important in a marriage; it is part of being that garment for one another that shields us from the temptations and licentiousness that pervades our societies.
In fact, I would argue that given the overly sexualized nature of society today, healthy sexual relations between spouses is as important as ever toward maintaining healthy and strong marriages, and ostensibly families. In addition to the works of Imam al-Ghazali as mentioned above, there are many other resources and references from our tradition that discuss the adab (ethics) of sexuality.
Another reason why this issue is of great importance today is the fact that pornography has become a major problem among Muslims. Too many Muslims, especially our men, are resorting to pornography and using it to self-gratify, which, not only is haram in our deen, but often leads to a nagging addiction that is difficult to rid oneself of, and extremely harmful in numerous ways. This, unfortunately, is not only a problem among our unmarried young men, but married people as well.
Thus, healthy sexuality between spouses is important for the prevention of sins and dysfunctions.
Being careful with speech.
It is important for both husbands and wives to be aware and conscious of how we speak, let alone what we say, to one another. Romance often starts with gentle, kind, and affectionate speech. It has been said by many experts of marriage that a soothing tone of voice can actually become a type of foreplay between two people. In this regard, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Let none of you come upon his wife like an animal, let there be an emissary between them." When asked what the emissary is, he replied, "The kiss and sweet words."
In another hadith, the Prophet points out that one of the deficiencies of a man is that "he should approach his wife and have sexual contact with her before exchanging words and caresses…”
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that the most heinous sound was the braying of the donkey. Despite this, many spouses scream and yell at each other in decibels and tones that come close to the sounds of farm animals.
There is nothing romantic about talking to someone in such a manner, nor does it help create an atmosphere in the home where people want to actually be together.
We must be conscious of how we speak to one another, and try our best – again, struggle – not to give into anger and frustration that might lead us to be harsh in speech.
Guarding the tongue is one of the great jihads mentioned by Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him), and it is one that we must put into practice every day in our homes so that we can nurture an environment of peace, love and, in the case of husbands and wives – romance.
Understanding true love.
The love we have for our spouses at this level is different because it’s unconditional, and when it’s unconditional we don’t let ‘little things’ fluster us.
Understanding true love is very important in the context of marriage.
The images that our media feeds us every day, aim to present a notion of love that is more desperation and lust than love.
True love requires peace – it requires a peaceful heart because real love is love of Allah, which, when achieved, allows one to love truly and completely. The projection and need for ‘romantic love’, however, is based more on the desires of our incomplete selves telling us that to ‘fill the hole’ within ourselves we have to find another -- someone that has what it takes to complete us.
A relationship that exists on this level of co-dependency primarily revolves around placing expectations on a partner to meet one's own needs and desires. Our ego/nafs tricks us into thinking that this other person will complete us and make us whole, which is what our true
Self is always seeking to begin with. For to be whole means to be with Allah, and that is where the true self desires to be because it’s where we came from (“To Allah we belong and to Him is our return”).
From my own experience, many years of pre-Islamic searching for that perfect someone to ‘right my ship’ made me realize that the search is not ‘out there’ but rather in my own heart.
After loving -- several times over -- then finally finding Allah through Islam did I come to realize that no other person was going to make me whole.
In popular art -- movies, songs, etc., the people ‘in love’ always talk about how badly they need one another and they can’t live without them and they’ll die if they don’t get them. I once felt that way too. However, after years of searching, finding and searching again, I realized that this illusory need actually reflects a deeper yearning for true love that cannot be fulfilled by another human being.
Love at the deepest level is love of Allah and surrender to Him, because only when our hearts filled with love of Allah will we be whole and not in need of anyone else to complete us.
When this occurs (insha-Allah!), real love is achieved, which means we become servants of the Most Merciful and no longer in need of what others can “do for us”, but rather we can give and receive love for Allah’s sake.
The love we have for our spouses at this level is different because it’s unconditional, and when it’s unconditional we don’t let ‘little things’ fluster us.
We don’t divorce at the drop of a hat because we realize that Allah is the one navigating the ship. A relationship at this level is thus a union of two complete human beings, not two individual halves each seeking to make themselves whole through the other.
That is why the ideal marriage is a union of two people whose hearts are fully surrendered to Allah. In such a relationship both people are already whole and not in need of the other for their fulfillment. In this way, they act as partners on the path to Allah, helping and assisting (and often challenging) each other toward greater heights.
Such lovers are thus able to spend their precious time serving one another, selflessly loving one another, and teaching their children to do the same. They also dwell in a reality that acknowledges and accepts struggle, imperfection, and the bumps in the road that always occur in marriage.
And lastly,
Love for the sake of Allah, not for yourself.
The cornerstone of our deen is centering our entire existence around the worship, service, love and fear of Allah. Too often, we carry out our daily transactions completely forgetful of our reason for being here.
We might pray, fast, and avoid what we are asked to avoid. But outside of our rituals and rules we do not connect the other aspects of our lives to Allah. It’s a problem with worldview and it often plays itself out in the context of marriage.
If we work to put Allah first, then marriage does not become a focus, it becomes an effect of Allah’s mercy and kindness to us. Then our spouses become more than spouses, they become a product of God’s favor to us.
When we see them in such a manner, then naturally we will ask ourselves how does God want us to act towards them and treat them?
As Allah has commanded, of course, and as He has shown us through the teachings of His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), which means kindness, love and affection.
When we are right with Allah – truly – then we can only be right with our spouses. When we are not right with Allah, then the results will speak for themselves. Starting with marriage is not the key, however, starting with Allah is. ( onislam.net )
In several hadith, he speaks about the importance of foreplay and speaking in loving terms during sexual relations. Again, the concept of mutual satisfaction is elucidated in a hadith, which advises husbands to engage in acts that enable a woman to achieve orgasm first. (Check Ihya ulum-id-din (Revival of Religious Learning) by Imam Ghazali, chapter on Marriage).
It is important for both husbands and wives to be aware and conscious of how we speak, let alone what we say, to one another.
Sexual dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either wife or husband”.
Qualified scholars and experts in this area should be helping our community to discuss and work through issues regarding healthy sexual relations between spouses. It IS important in a marriage; it is part of being that garment for one another that shields us from the temptations and licentiousness that pervades our societies.
In fact, I would argue that given the overly sexualized nature of society today, healthy sexual relations between spouses is as important as ever toward maintaining healthy and strong marriages, and ostensibly families. In addition to the works of Imam al-Ghazali as mentioned above, there are many other resources and references from our tradition that discuss the adab (ethics) of sexuality.
Another reason why this issue is of great importance today is the fact that pornography has become a major problem among Muslims. Too many Muslims, especially our men, are resorting to pornography and using it to self-gratify, which, not only is haram in our deen, but often leads to a nagging addiction that is difficult to rid oneself of, and extremely harmful in numerous ways. This, unfortunately, is not only a problem among our unmarried young men, but married people as well.
Thus, healthy sexuality between spouses is important for the prevention of sins and dysfunctions.
Being careful with speech.
It is important for both husbands and wives to be aware and conscious of how we speak, let alone what we say, to one another. Romance often starts with gentle, kind, and affectionate speech. It has been said by many experts of marriage that a soothing tone of voice can actually become a type of foreplay between two people. In this regard, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Let none of you come upon his wife like an animal, let there be an emissary between them." When asked what the emissary is, he replied, "The kiss and sweet words."
In another hadith, the Prophet points out that one of the deficiencies of a man is that "he should approach his wife and have sexual contact with her before exchanging words and caresses…”
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that the most heinous sound was the braying of the donkey. Despite this, many spouses scream and yell at each other in decibels and tones that come close to the sounds of farm animals.
There is nothing romantic about talking to someone in such a manner, nor does it help create an atmosphere in the home where people want to actually be together.
We must be conscious of how we speak to one another, and try our best – again, struggle – not to give into anger and frustration that might lead us to be harsh in speech.
Guarding the tongue is one of the great jihads mentioned by Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him), and it is one that we must put into practice every day in our homes so that we can nurture an environment of peace, love and, in the case of husbands and wives – romance.
Understanding true love.
The love we have for our spouses at this level is different because it’s unconditional, and when it’s unconditional we don’t let ‘little things’ fluster us.
Understanding true love is very important in the context of marriage.
The images that our media feeds us every day, aim to present a notion of love that is more desperation and lust than love.
True love requires peace – it requires a peaceful heart because real love is love of Allah, which, when achieved, allows one to love truly and completely. The projection and need for ‘romantic love’, however, is based more on the desires of our incomplete selves telling us that to ‘fill the hole’ within ourselves we have to find another -- someone that has what it takes to complete us.
A relationship that exists on this level of co-dependency primarily revolves around placing expectations on a partner to meet one's own needs and desires. Our ego/nafs tricks us into thinking that this other person will complete us and make us whole, which is what our true
Self is always seeking to begin with. For to be whole means to be with Allah, and that is where the true self desires to be because it’s where we came from (“To Allah we belong and to Him is our return”).
From my own experience, many years of pre-Islamic searching for that perfect someone to ‘right my ship’ made me realize that the search is not ‘out there’ but rather in my own heart.
After loving -- several times over -- then finally finding Allah through Islam did I come to realize that no other person was going to make me whole.
In popular art -- movies, songs, etc., the people ‘in love’ always talk about how badly they need one another and they can’t live without them and they’ll die if they don’t get them. I once felt that way too. However, after years of searching, finding and searching again, I realized that this illusory need actually reflects a deeper yearning for true love that cannot be fulfilled by another human being.
Love at the deepest level is love of Allah and surrender to Him, because only when our hearts filled with love of Allah will we be whole and not in need of anyone else to complete us.
When this occurs (insha-Allah!), real love is achieved, which means we become servants of the Most Merciful and no longer in need of what others can “do for us”, but rather we can give and receive love for Allah’s sake.
The love we have for our spouses at this level is different because it’s unconditional, and when it’s unconditional we don’t let ‘little things’ fluster us.
We don’t divorce at the drop of a hat because we realize that Allah is the one navigating the ship. A relationship at this level is thus a union of two complete human beings, not two individual halves each seeking to make themselves whole through the other.
That is why the ideal marriage is a union of two people whose hearts are fully surrendered to Allah. In such a relationship both people are already whole and not in need of the other for their fulfillment. In this way, they act as partners on the path to Allah, helping and assisting (and often challenging) each other toward greater heights.
Such lovers are thus able to spend their precious time serving one another, selflessly loving one another, and teaching their children to do the same. They also dwell in a reality that acknowledges and accepts struggle, imperfection, and the bumps in the road that always occur in marriage.
And lastly,
Love for the sake of Allah, not for yourself.
The cornerstone of our deen is centering our entire existence around the worship, service, love and fear of Allah. Too often, we carry out our daily transactions completely forgetful of our reason for being here.
We might pray, fast, and avoid what we are asked to avoid. But outside of our rituals and rules we do not connect the other aspects of our lives to Allah. It’s a problem with worldview and it often plays itself out in the context of marriage.
If we work to put Allah first, then marriage does not become a focus, it becomes an effect of Allah’s mercy and kindness to us. Then our spouses become more than spouses, they become a product of God’s favor to us.
When we see them in such a manner, then naturally we will ask ourselves how does God want us to act towards them and treat them?
As Allah has commanded, of course, and as He has shown us through the teachings of His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), which means kindness, love and affection.
When we are right with Allah – truly – then we can only be right with our spouses. When we are not right with Allah, then the results will speak for themselves. Starting with marriage is not the key, however, starting with Allah is. ( onislam.net )
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